Thank You 2005!
(yes, I received this via e-mail!)

As another year will shortly be a memory, my heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed and wealthy!

• Extra thanks for the ones that I have to open 15 times to get to the message.
• Special thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes 'cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.
• Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
• Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
• I no longer drink Pepsi, or Dr Pepper, since the people who make these products are atheists who won't put "Under God" on their cans.
• I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
• I no longer check the coin return on pay phones, because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
• I no longer use cancer-causing anti-perspirants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day!
• I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
• I no longer receive packages from, nor send packages by UPS, or FedEx, since they are actually Al Queda in disguise.
• I no longer answer the phone, because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
• I no longer eat KFC, because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
• I no longer have any sneakers- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
• I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus, since I now have their recipe.
• I no longer worry about my soul, because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.
• Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
• I no longer have any savings, because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).
• I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail programs!
• Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (EDT) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of mine's next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

Have a very HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Merry Christmas!!

CHRISTMAS JOY...........

(Winifred F. Walters)

Christmas may be many things
or it may be a few.
For you, the joy is each new toy;
for me; it's watching you...........

The Eye of God........

I received this photo in an email today and it made me "catch" my breath. According to the e-mail "this photo is a very rare one, taken by NASA. This kind of event occurs once in 3000 years. This is a picture NASA took with the Hubble telescope, called "The Eye of God".

In truth: This photograph of the coil-shaped Helix Nebula is one of the largest and most detailed celestial images ever made. The composite picture is a seamless blend of ultra-sharp images from NASA's Hubble Space Telescope combined with the wide view of the Mosaic Camera on the National Science Foundation's 0.9-meter telescope at Kitt Peak National Observatory near Tucson, Ariz. The image shows a fine web of filamentary "bicycle-spoke" features embedded in the colorful red and blue ring of gas. At 650 light-years away, the Helix is one of the nearest planetary nebulae to Earth. A planetary nebula is the glowing gas around a dying, Sun-like star. Credit: NASA, NOAO, ESA, the Hubble Helix Nebula Team, M. Meixner (STScI), and T.A. Rector (NRAO) (information obtained from NASA - National Aeronautics & Space Administration website).

Real or not, it makes one wonder and perhaps even hope for the possibility of it's existance, real or imagined. At a time and season when the world seems to be trying so hard to refuse, deny banish God from our society and everyday lives, it leaves me with a glimmer of hope that possibly suggests otherwise. The infinate possibilities of what surrounds us on this earth and beyond is truley amazing and beyond my imagination.........

Losing Self..............

At what point in our lives do we start loosing' ourselves while trying to please others? Twenty years ago I could have told you exactly who I was going to be and how much time it would take me to get there. At what point do we 'let go' of the dreams we believed were inevitable to settle for something "less, far less?"

It isn't just about pleasing one person but rather several people. Our jobs, our partners, our children, our friends. What once seemed like a quite simple "connect the dots" kind of life has evolved into a puzzle yet to be found in a book, a paper, an occasional quiz.

Where did the clarity of my life go? When did I lose my '20/20' vision of what I wanted and what I would become? I find myself grasping at what is real and what is important. What will nourish my 'soul' and make my being come alive once again, in the belief of what can be, should be or could be?

I've often thought that my happiness was based on being with a person, quite often just one person. But through the years I think I have come to learn, we're all just 'grasping' for straws here. Perhaps we are all just so clueless. So many of my friends are so sure of themselves, they are confident, outgoing they excel in their work environment and shine in the e public eye. However when push comes to shove and they lay their heads on their pillows at night, they are just 'lost' souls. Searching, hoping for something more, something nourishing.

I've never been a salesman. I can't sell you a car, a house a yacht. I could however, sell you the belief in yourself, your potential, your 'destiny.' I'd like to believe I have a natural insight into ones heart. I have lived my life with the belief that I "know" my own destiny, in my heart of hearts, my soul of souls. I "know" who I should be with, who I should spend my golden years with. But what happens if "they" don't? What happens if "they" can't believe in themselves, the same way I can? Oh shit, even worse, what happens if "their" destiny really doesn't include me? Does that make my convictions any less real? If I don't achieve my goal due to their inability to believe in what I do, does that mean I "fail"?

Perhaps, I should have focused more on not "who" would be by my side on this journey called life, but rather, how could "I" achieve contentment on my own. It's a lonely thought, but then again, perhaps not..........

Perhaps, I've been confused all along. Perhaps the people I once believed would be there, changed their game plan. Perhaps they can't even find the pieces themselves....

Perhaps, they are as lost as I am...................

Eyes of Blue......

Child of MIne...........

'They' said, that at six weeks of age they thought maybe he bumped his head on a door knob. 'They' said, maybe they put him in the baby's seat too hard. 'They' said, they pinched his cheeks too hard sometimes too...........

But the 'Doctors' said, "In order to fracture a six week old baby's skull on a door knob you would have to grab the baby by his ankles and spin around as fast as you could, allowing him to hit his head with as much force as possible on the metal knob.

The 'Neurologist' said, "It will be years before we know the damage." The 'Physical Therapist' said, "He will be delayed in many area's of his life for a very long time." The 'Speech Therapist' said, "He will probably be special needs throughout all or most of his school years.

The 'Judge' said, "It was one of the worst cases of child abuse" he had ever seen. The blood vessels in his eyes had burst, and you could no longer see the whites in his eyes."

The 'State Welfare Department' said, "There will be no reunification, due to severe child abuse."

The 'New Judge' said, "Will you promise to make him your own, to care for him and all the needs he may have?" I nodded and smiled.

That was four years ago. My promise today is the same as it was then. "I will love him with all that I am, with all that I will be." I will protect him, nurture him and show him just what love truly is. He has taught me patience and courage and more then anyone else in my life he has shown me what unconditional love is.

Not flesh of my flesh, not bone of my bone, but still miraculously my own. Never forget for a single minute, you didn't grow under my heart but in it................

'Mommy' says............ "I love you," Boo Boo Eyes of Blue..........

The Ballad of Reading Gaol.......

After graduation, in the summer of 1983 I set off to search for things I had yet to see. I was so passionate about learning, or more importantly, experiencing new things. In my lust for life, I became enthralled with poetry, albeit somewhat morbid poetry.

While staying with my sister, my brother-in-law introduced me to Oscar Wilde. I had flirted with reading him in high school but my attention span seemed to be more limited. Not because the school I attended lacked in it's education, but rather because my mind chose to dwell on things so much grander then the grey walls that surrounded me.

Recently while having a glass of wine with an old friend from school and being told for the hundredth time about the inadequacies of our education during or formulative years, I remembered an old poem I used to spend hours trying to memorize in my latter teens. This is quite a lengthy poem and I was only able to memorize the first nine paragraphs. To this day, I cannot forget the words they are forever engraved in my memory. In my younger years I dont believe I could truly appreciate the true meaning behind this poem, but 20+ years later, it's words are bittersweet.

The Ballad of Reading Gaol

Excerpt - Oscar Wilde 1898

Yet each man kills the thing he loves,

By each let this be heard,

Some do it with a bitter look,

Some with a flattering word,

The coward does it with a kiss,

The brave man with a sword!

Some kill their love when they are young,

And some when they are old;

Some strangle with the hands of Lust,

Some with the hands of Gold:

The kindest use a knife, because

The dead so soon grow cold.

Some love too little, some too long,

Some sell, and others buy;

Some do the deed with many tears,

And some without a sigh:

For each man kills the thing he loves,

Yet each man does not die.

Small Town Dreams.......

In the summer of 1983, right after my 18th birthday I took flight and left the state I had lived in all my life. I'm not too sure if I was running to anything anymore then running away from something. Like so many kids my age we were seeking out where our niche in the world would be and what we would become. We refused to believe that this small town we were born in could possibly hold all of our dreams and ambitions.

At 18, I felt as if I had a million possibilities of what I would one day become. The world lay ahead of me and I truly believed I was invincible. I could go anywhere, do anything, become anything I wanted.

Years later, I would in fact return to that same small town and live in the same house I grew up in as a child. By the age of 40 I had lost both my mom and dad. Somehow, I no longer felt invincible and have come to the conclusion that life is quite often much shorter then we think.

We spend days, weeks, years waiting for our lives to become all we expected it to be. Time passes and those old memories of what we believed we could become soon begins to fade.

So here I sit, decades later contemplating the first 41 years that passed me by with nothing more then a handful of memories and boxes of pictures that represent the time that has slipped so quickly by. My greatest accomplishment to date would be my two incredible children. I now know that I had to come back to this town to have them be a part of my life, the best part.

I would like to think the first 40 years was just practice for what is to come. That I needed that time to get my shit together so I could become that person I always believed I would be.

So here's to the next 40+ years. Where I hope to become a better mother, a stronger person, and able to achieve those things I've always known I could..................

It's All Perspective.............

In the aftermath of Katrina as we continue receiving the sobering facts of the death toll, I'm in awe. This catastrophe has affected our nation, our government, our politics, and has ignited debates and arguments among even the of closest friends.

But before we cast our second round of stones and everyone takes aim at who's to blame, perhaps we should review some sobering facts. Yes, even one lost life is too many, if it's preventable. But in turn, maybe we should say a prayer, whisper a thank you, breath a heavy sigh of relief, and acknowledge how truly lucky we've been. Considering the statistics, we were fortunate.

DEATHS BY HURRICANE KATRINA

(as of October 8, 2005)

1003 ......................... Louisiana

221.......................... Mississippi

14...........................Florida

2...........................Georgia

1242.................Total

DEATHS BY EARTHQUAKE IN SOUTH ASIA

(as of October 9, 2005)

20,000 + ......................Pakistan

DEATHS BY TSUNAMI

(as of January 19, 2005)

212,611............ Indonesia Regional Death Toll

Perhaps as Americans, we have led a very sheltered life, when it comes to experiencing natural disasters (of a large magnitude). Add to that, the terrorist attack of 911. Perhaps it is time we take a deep breath and look at the world around us with a bit more perspective...................

Meet Me Half Way

Music by Giorgio Moroder, Lyrics by Tom Whitlock, Sung by: Kenny Loggins

In a lifetime

Made of memories

I believe

In destiny

Every Moment

Returns again in time

When I've got the future on my mind

Know that you'll be the only one

Meet Me Half Way

Across the sky

Out where the world belongs

To only you and I

Meet me Half Way

Across the sky

Make this a new beginning

Of another life

In a lifetime

There is only love

Reaching for

The lonely one

We are stronger

When we are giving love

When we put emotions on the line

Know that we are the timeless ones......

No Shades of Gray.......

I am addicted............. Plain and simple. I cannot tell a lie. Very few shows on T.V. touch me, move me in a way I care to comment on. I have however found one that does, "Gray's Anatomy".

Tonight this show made me think in a way that most made for t.v. series never do. In it's final moments of the episode the following words were spoken.... Words I wont soon forget........

"There is something to say about a glass half full. It's entirely up to the individual, and it depends on what is being poured! Sometimes all we want is a taste. Other times, there is no such thing..... and nothing is enough, and all we want, is more...."

How true is that? If we were ever to acknowledge anything it would be, "We deserve more."

My wish for us is that we never forget that we do in fact deserve is MORE..... And if you people out there can not ackn0wledge that, "Can I have your leftovers?" Because if any of you have any doubt, "I DO NOT!!"

She's Home............

At last! My friend returned home Monday after vacationing in New Orleans and being caught in Hurricane Katrina. The pain in my heart has eased, but not yet gone. While she has returned home safe, I still believe there is a long road ahead for her.

I can hear the sadness in her voice. She is quite and withdrawn. She has changed. How could she not? I know, odds are, I will be told 100+ times that I can't possibly understand just what she and her husband have gone through and how it has forever changed their lives. I know she is right, and no matter how hard I try it may just never be enough. But I believe with all that I am, that sometimes we go through things to learn a life lesson. Who knows what the lesson is? Perhaps it's to have a little more faith, or maybe a little more patience, perhaps to draw the two of them closer together. And sometimes, I believe we are placed somewhere at a certain point and time to benefit others as well. I believe this was a large part why she was there at that time.

I hope as time goes by, her memories of Katrina wont be just about all the pain and sadness but also about about what she has gained and learned. I hope the people that surrounded her and gave her courage will be there in 5, 10 and 20 years down the road as true friends. I hope that they will not disapoint her and what she believes their connection is. I hope in a month, or a year or five years, when everyone else in the world has moved onto whatever may be the latest breaking news, I hope she will have a peace within her and know within her heart, that she is a survivor, a giver. And that at a time when her life ceased to be as she knew it, she came through with flying colors. I also hope she knows that while I may not have been there with her, my heart was........ I hope she knows that no matter what, "I" will be there in 5, 10 and 20 years.

Enough of this Bullshit!..........

It's fast approaching midnight on Thursday night. I'm tired and exhausted. I've been watching Katrina news on t.v. all day. I have been searching for my best friends face on the screen, and nothing. I've visited dozens of websites typing her name in every 'Search' box I can find, and nothing. I haven't heard from her since Sunday. She had just arrived at the Superdome when she had called. I can't fall asleep, I can't get the images out of my head. I feel like puking . I feel like part of me is missing, my heart hurts...........

If I read one more friggin' blog bitching about our President and our country and how all of this could have been prevented, how much better another party could have dealt with it, I really am going to puke! It is people like you that destroy the very core of what we as Americans should stand for, unity in the face of crises; regardless of the friggin little box you checked at the DMV or on your voters registration card! Now is not the time to climb your pitiful political platforms casting stones. You want things to be different? Then do something other then your spewing your armchair politics! Get off your ass and do something positive. Build up our country rather then tear it down. And for God's sake just once take a deep breath and think before you speak. What will make this country stronger rather then divide it during this awful catasrophe, before you spout your dissatisfaction of this country I love and I call home! PLEASE!!!

Be Kind Katrina, Be Kind........

It's 7:00 pm my time and here I sit thinking/praying for my best friend/business partner who is now sitting in the Superdome in New Orleans waiting for Hurricane Katrina to strike and to do it's damage. She has called me a few times in the last couple of days, always when I'm at work and has spoken to my husband both times. Like a lot of men, his interests/concerns are usually about himself and what is happening in his own little world as he see's it. All of which have have absolutely nothing to do about her or this storm. Thus, increasing my anxiety and leaving all my questions unanswered!

My heart aches..... I have but a handful of people I hold close to my heart (I mentioned her in my previous funeral post). She is one of them and she nears the very top of my list. She is the Godmother of both of my children and though we are very different we compliment each other. I'm scared. I'm scared for her and her husband who have been vacationing there since Friday and I'm scared at the thought of not having her by my side next week.

I am quite sure I will not sleep tonight and I will have Fox News on all night. They continue to show thousands of people entering the Superdome. I search the screen for her face all to no avail. I know she is there. She arrived early around 11:00 am East Coast time and from what I could gather she was in good spirits. However, on the West Coast the news is not good. Katrina has been rated a Category 5, the highest there is, with 175 mile wind warnings.

Damn! I need a drink!! Be kind Katrina, be kind......................

On Life & Death...........

A few weeks ago I attended a funeral in California with a friend. I am not fond of funerals, (I know, who is?) Unless it is someone within my close circle of friends/family, I avoid them. I've never made a practice of attending funerals. Up until this one, I could count the number I've been to on one hand, all relatives, three of which were my parents. I attended this one because my friend needed a friend by her side (and to be honest she caught me off guard and I couldn't come up with an excuse fast enough to say no!)

I suppose as far as funerals go, this one wasn't bad. In fact, it made me think a little more deeply about life and death and those we leave behind. This particular funeral was graveside. The body had been cremated and separated into six containers. This was done because his children were disputing just where the remains should be laid. Four of the six containers were being placed into a family plot that represented three generations of those that had had departed before him, those he have loved. The remaining two were going somewhere yet to be determined.

Funerals exhaust me, especially those of the elderly, and the stories that made up their lives. Since I was not a family member, I hung out in the back watching, and wondering what all these people were thinking. My friends uncle was being buried in the small farming community he grew up in. There were no flowing black dresses or midnight black suits. His family and friends were dressed in their best informal attire, and crisp cream colored cowboys hats were sprinkled amongst the small crowd.

Perhaps it was the 100 degree weather or the down to earth sensible community that promted a speedy service. The speaker summed up this man's life in under 15 minutes. He was a son, a brother, a veteran, a father, an uncle, a friend. You could see proud old men with their hands in their pockets looking down at the ground, hanging tough as their wives sniffled in their seats. They listened intently to the speaker, recalling the stories told and the role they played in those stories. Pictures of his youth and in his military uniform were displayed proudly beside a flag and small toy trains he collected. Nic nacs of his past, memories of his existence.

I went away from this funeral and spent a good part of the five hour drive home thinking about the lives we live and those we encounter along the way. I would like to think that the legacy we leave behind lasts longer then the 15 minutes of our eulogy. Surely, our existence on this earth of 60, 70, 80+ years will leave lasting imprints on someone's soul/heart enough for our memory to linger a little longer.

And in turn, I hope we leave no unfinished business behind. No "I love you's," not said, No "I'm sorry's" unspoken. And perhaps most importantly, I'd like to think we lived the best life we could, a life that left no room for doubt or regrets..........

Another Year Older But Another Year Wiser? Hmm, What Was The Question Again???...

Alas, a not so landmark year came and went today, rather uneventfully of course. Thank goodness "some" of my closest friends remembered my birthday today otherwise it would have totally been the shits!

Aging has never bothered me as far as the numbers racking up. My problems with birthdays always comes around to, "What have I accomplished this past year, am I any closer to my goals, dreams, etc, etc, etc? Or did I merely stand like a stump for an entire year and watch 365 days pass me by without any new achievements or memorable occurrences?" This past year has been a toss up. Yep, I'm still kicking, and my children have survived my parenting skills for yet another year, which in itself should be momentous! But as for me? Well this year I think I'm a little more wearier for the wear.

I'm still wondering what I'm going to be when I grow up (yeah, I know, you would think at 41 I would have figured it out by now!). I still keep looking towards tomorrow wondering what it will bring and I tend to dwell on yesterday a little too much. So for my next 365 days I suppose I will concentrate a little more fully on "today, the here and now," the "what is" rather then the "what was" or "what could be." Because maybe, just maybe, when all is said and done, that's all that really matters..........

Memories In the Making.........

I recently returned from a weeks vacation in beautiful Cancun, Mexico. As anyone with children knows vacations away from home can be exciting, amazing, stressful and exhausting! Our first five days were spent with major rain storms off and on throughout the day and night.

Family vacations were always the most vivid memories of my childhood. As a young child I can recall my parents dragging my brother and I across the country to visit relatives that lived on the east coast (Maryland, West Virginia). Every trip was packed with sites along the way. Educational trips to Washington DC seeing monuments and being taught History 101, watching American Civil War enactments in Gettysburg, PA, seeing the Liberty Bell in Pennsylvania, and standing in front of the eternal flame in the middle of July in 100 + temperatures. Despite what memories we took away with us they were in fact memories.

My children are 5 & 6. They have been to South Carolina. Utah, California, Oregon, Hawaii and now Mexico. I'm quite sure there are many things they may never remember but I also know there are things that they will, things I never imagined they would. Watching Captain Cook's Pirate ships sail by in the darkness of the night, with their sails strung with lights and the roar of their cannon's as they battled each other (tourist dinner cruise) amazed my two boys five of the seven nights we were there. But sitting with them on the beach and watching the sunset and the sky turn a dozen shades of crimson and trying to explain that the sky was in fact not really on fire it just looked that way, will always be one of my favorite memories. Walking barefoot on the beach after five days of solid rain and looking up to see the beauty of a rainbow.

As I look at these pictures I will forever recall the squeal of delight as they experienced these sights for the very first time. Perhaps the memories I try to create for my children aren't just for them, maybe as I age and my memory begins to fade they will be my stepping stones to reality. A reality I could never imagine living without, even with a little rain..........

A little bit of paradise in the evening...

After five days of rain a little hope in sight....

Me, Defined..................

Not so long ago I was spending some time with an old friend. I'm not too sure how the topic came up but she spoke about her husband. She said, "He's the smartest man I know." My first response was, "Oh my God, how does anyone fill those shoes? But I said nothing I just listened to her words and logged them mentally in the back of my mind.

Days later I recalled the conversation and I wondered, "What am I?" What words would people use to define me? Certainty I am not so naive to imagine myself a being of intellectual superiority. I don't suppose that's ever been an ambition of mine. Intellectual dominance has never ranked high on my priority list. Don't get me wrong, stupid people annoy me. But then again stupid can be defined in a number of ways, perhaps even the smartest people can be stupid. It's all subjective I suppose. I kind of consider myself middle of the road intellectually. I don't sit around the kitchen table with my friends and contemplate the speed the earth rotates on it's axis or ponder quantum physics. The importance of any of this does not weigh heavily at night when I lay my head on my pillow!

So what does define me? In the rolodex of life what category would I be filed under?

I am a mother, a wife, a nurturer. I aspire to accomplish great things but I imagine my greatest aspiration is to raise my two boys to be caring, compassionate, passionate, inquisitive, happy young men.

I'm pathetic at joke telling but I can make a person laugh when they are feeling at their lowest. As a rule I'm fun loving, easy going and I love to be spontaneous. I love to trying new things, go new places and might have just enough stupidity in me to have a 'no-fear' attitude when experiencing new thrills.

I am competitive, determined and when playing games, not a very good loser! I will not quit and am easily annoyed with people who have a habit of not following through with things. Whatever I do, I try to do the best I possibly can. I tend to be a perfectionist with things that fill me with passion and I take pride in my work.

I can nurture your soul and elevate your spirit. I'm a loyal supporter and I have the ability to help people see light at the end of their darkest tunnel. I believe in the impossible and the unseen. I see potential in the smallest things. I prefer not to surround myself with pessimists, naysayers and people who give off negative energy.

I'm a spiritual soul though religion doesn't play a heavy role in this spirituality. I believe in God, Kharma, fate and destiny. The very things 'smart' people love to dissect and attempt to disprove and mock. There are things I know with every ounce of my being that I can't explain, an inner sense if you will. If I betray or fail to act on this sense, I always end up on the wrong side of right.

O.K. with that said, "What category do I fall into in the rolodex of life?"

Life Revisited.........

My "Ah-Ha" Moments...........

Oprah often has a section in her magazine titled my "Ah-Ha" Moments or "What I Know For Sure". While it's taken me quite some time to recognize these moments that define the things that truly matter in my life, I believe I finally have. As I approach my 41'st year (hey, I never said I was a quick learner!) life is becoming a bit clearer. While I'm having one of those enlightened moments of clarity I guess I should recognize a few of those "Ah-Ha Moments" so when life gets a little hazy again I can look back and remember just what they were, in no particular order...........

Life is too short to live for what was, what could have been, what should have been. Life is for living the reality that is. If we don't like our reality then we must change it or learn to accept and thrive within it.

I've truly loved very few people in my life, not all of them loved me to the same degree as I did them. Love isn't about changing people to fit our needs, we can't 'make' people love us or desire us to the same degree we do them. Not everyone we meet in this life has the ability to meet all our needs and maybe just maybe that's enough.

People change for the good and the bad, perhaps that's the circle of life. If we do not change we do not grow. But when we do grow, we don't always grow in the same direction, at the same pace. Without growth we wither and die losing the spirit that makes us thrive.

Happiness and contentment cannot be found in another person, another environment, another circumstance. True happiness can only be found from within. If we are not content in our own being we cannot possibly expect to find it elsewhere.

People who have never had children can never possibly understand the impact they have on your life! (yeah, I know all you mommy blog hater's are rolling your eyes!) For all my life I've wanted children. I've always known they would play an important role in my life. Children are the essence of life. Through the eyes of a child you can imagine anything, believe anything, dream anything and have they have the faith of a 90 year old monk! My children have taught me that despite what goes on in my world, all of it seems miniscule when it comes to their world. At the end of a long exhausting day nothing can pick you up more then a hug from your child or hearing the words "I love you Mommy".

Inner peace keeps you alive. We all make choices daily that we must live with. While we may make the same choices we deal with them differently. We all have a different center of peace. We can all justify our choices on an individual basis and we may quite often disagree. Inner peace isn't up for debate, it isn't a thing that needs to be agreed upon. It's merely something that puts your soul at ease as you lay you head on your pillow each night. As we grow we learn what makes our souls thrive and what harms it. It's up to us as individuals to keep the essence of our being alive.

Life is full of moment's that bring clarity to each of us. We all have our "Ah-Ha" Moments or things we "know" for sure. What are yours?

Haloscan..........

I just added Haloscan to my blog to help with posting comments. While in the future this may be a positive thing it appears I have lost all my previous comments (damn!). Hopefully this will be the only negative of the whole process!

A Little Good News......

O.K........ I am going to date myself here. For the last week this song has been popping in my head non-stop. Yeah, yeah, maybe, I wasn't the hippest kid on the block. I've always been a sucker for "words" that touch my "heart" and speak to my "soul", words that have meaning to me. Perhaps if I put the words on paper I will finally be able to get them out of my head and stop singing/thinking about them in the car, at the store, at work, at home. Maybe, my kids will stop staring at me and asking what I'm singing and what it means? Maybe, just maybe....... This world won't seem so screwed up!

A Little Good News.......

I rolled out this morning...kids had the morning news show on
Bryant Gumbel was talking about the fighting in Lebanon
Some senator was squawking about the bad economy
It's gonna get worse you see we need a change in policy

There's a local paper rolled up in a rubber band
One more sad story's one more than I can stand
Just once, how I'd like to see the headline say
Not much to print today can't find nothing bad to say

Because...

Nobody robbed a liquor store on the lower part of town
Nobody OD'd, nobody burned a single building down
Nobody fired a shot in anger...nobody had to die in vain
We sure could use a little good news today

I'll come home this evening...I'll bet that the news will be the same
Somebody takes a hostage...somebody steals a plane
How I wanna hear the anchor man talk about a county fair
And how we cleaned up the air...how everybody learned to care

Whoa, tell me...

Nobody was assassinated in the whole Third World today
And in the streets of Ireland all the children had to do was play
And everybody loves everybody in the good old USA
We sure could use a little good news today

Nobody robbed a liquor store on the lower part of town
Nobody OD'd, nobody burned a single building down
Nobody fired a shot in anger...nobody had to die in vain
We sure could use a little good news today

By: Anne Murray
Album: Best...So Far (1994), Little Good News (1983), Country Hits (1990), Now and Forever Disk 3 (1994)

One Last Time.......

O.K. I have skirted around this topic on more then one occasion! I can't believe I'm even going to go here! I've read dozens of blogs and responses on this topic and I'm about to give my own two cents now. I know the Blog Gods will tell me this is truly Blog Suicide, but I've had it up to here with all of the Terry Schiavo controversy! Once again as usual when it comes to an important life and death decision everything has turned political!!! Why does it always have to come down to this??

At work this morning I sat watching the Demo's blame the Repub's about the political atrocities of congress's fight against the removal of Terry Schiavo's feeding tube. I sat and watched the accusations fly back and forth about who is right and who is wrong. One man, Terry's husband Michael, says she never wanted to live like this, and one non elected Florida judge, Judge Greer agrees with him and decides she must die, because, well you see, the two of them agree.

If this case ever made me sure of one thing in my life it would be the importance of establishing an 'advanced medical directive' (living will) as early in your life that you are able to understand the importance of what quality of life you desire.

What we are relying on right now, when it comes to the life of Terry Schiavo is hearsay. Her husband says one thing, her parents and siblings say another. How do we decide who really knows the truth? Yeah, yeah, her legal guardian is her husband. Michael Schiavo has been able to move on with his life, he's found a new mate and has children by her. He has all the things his wife will never have, and yet that is still not enough. Her parents on the otherhand, refuse to give up hope and don't want to let her go. They believe she is still there fighting to go on. Yeah, I know, unless you travel either of those roads it's hard to know what each of us would do in this situation (yes, I've gone through this with a parent who was 81, but not a child). Perhaps neither party can see clearly, maybe they are both struggling with thier own definition of life or death, perhaps they are all 'clueless.'

Facts are, there is doubt on both sides about just what the right thing to do is. Life or death? I'm sorry, I'm having a tough time buying it. If Terry was in fact so adamant about her desire to live a life without assistance from feeding tubes or any other aide for that matter, then proper legal measures should have been taken to ensure any of this from happening. Did this indepth life and death conversation come up one night with her husband and friends over a round of drinks? At a party? When? Sure we've all been there, we've all contemplated this, discussed it in casual conversations, just as we are right now. But in our truest of convictions just how many of you under the age of 30 (which Terry was when this conversation took place) have taken the appropriate measures to ensure your wishes are carried out and your desire for a defined quality of life is expressed legally? Did you do it last year? Last month? Last week? Will it happen on the day Terry dies after her body shuts down from malnutrition and dehydration?

While we are all screaming about the lack of quality of life she must have being forced to live in a vegetative state or by being forced to die by starvation over the next 7 to 14 days, have you taken the appropriate actions to keep this from happening to you? Have you put your ducks in a row and come to terms with your own desire to maintain your own quality it all, pro or con? And if you didn't, are you secure in your knowledge that those who are closest to you will know what you want, life or death? And if they disagree...... Who are you hoping wins? Your husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, brother, sister, parents, the state, the Democrats, the Republicans, the Federal Government? Who should choose how you live and die if you don't?

You know, I don't have an answer for the Terry Schiavo case, but I do know this........ What if we're wrong? Which is worse? Do we continue to let Terry live in a vegetative state where she is loved but has no awareness or quality of life she once had? Or do we terminate her life and put her out of her unaware misery? All I know for sure is, once dead, there's no going back. For me, one of those definitely carries a lighter burden on my conscious then the other.

Ideally, I do not want my government to question my decisions when it comes to the quality of life I wish to live. However, if I am not responsible or prepared to legally make that decision on my own, I do not want my outcome to be decided by a flip of a coin, a strangers personnal beliefs, my families conflicting opinions. I want to know that there are a group of people out there who are willing to look at my case individually and see beneath the coma, the empty eyes, the drifting facial expressions that I am/was a loving and hopefull human being with a soul that thrives to be recognized as such, not a vegetable, not a incoherant being, not an empty body without the need of compassion.

At this time the only thing I can see in preventing this would be the passing of the 'Incapcitated Persons Legal Protection Act' "This measure would allow federal review of cases in which there is no advanced medical directive and irregularities in state court proceedings. This act would not enroach on the privacy protections Americans now enjoy with regards to their medical treatment decisions. It only ensures that the individual's federal due process rights have been observed and protected by the state courts."

For more information on the 'Incapaciated Persons Legal Protection Act' check out: http://www.nrlc.org/euthanasia/Terri/FedLaw.html

P.S. Bloggers........... Rest easy tonight! Should I be where Terry is tomorrow, the choice belongs to none of you....... I made it myself, legally with clear and thoughtfull deliberation. There will be no doubt, no question. My destiny will not be determined by any individual on this earth other then myself or God.

A Life Worth Living.....................

Earlier today I spent some time talking with an old friend about life, marriage, religion, politics, growing older, dying, the whole damn schpill! Topics that only drunk people in bars dare dwell on (or dear friends.) You know those topics, the taboo ones.... The ones so powerful, they trigger emotional responses and ignite a power of conviction and the belief in what makes you who you are. The ones that show or teach you just what a person is truly made of. But sometimes, just sometimes, its those conversations that make you ponder your own life and remind you what makes you thrive within your very being.

During that conversation the topic of Terry Schiavo came up along with the whole life/death quality of life thing. I'm not even going to go dip into the whole religious, moral, personnel thing of it all. This post isn't about right or wrong or the legality of it all, but rather, "life is short". Whether we live to be 40, 50, or 100. There are always things we wish we'd done, when looking back at our lives. We have no control over many of the events, circumstances and sometimes the outcome of the life we've lived. In the end, so much of it isn't really in our control, whether it be God, disease, acts of random violence, the government or the decision of others. Our life can be over in a moment and with it, our opportunity to live it fully.

So with that in thought and after consuming a few glasses of wine I've come to the conclusion that while I may not have total control of my life nor its length. I do however have control over it's quality, content and the memories I create; the opportunities I seize, as well as those that I don't. So here I go making yet another one of those endless blog lists!
"Things I want to do before I no longer have the choice or die....."

1. I want to grow old enough to see my children become responsible, productive adults with children of their own.

2. Travel to at least 10 other countries other then my own.

3. Write and publish a best selling novel/book (more books, more countries, funny how that works!)

4. Spend a summer/year in another country doing charitable/aide work and write/photograph about it.

5. Climb a mountain, swim a sea, cross the desert and feel the ocean breeze

6. Have the courage to take the steps, seize the moment and believe in my destiny.

7. Be a stronger, more physically fit person able to live long enough to do it all.....

8. Live to be a healthy 80+ with my soul mate by my side watching every sunset as if it were our first.

9. To grow old with good friends and the people I love by my side, laughing & living.

10. Have lived a life worth living, without any coulda', woulda', shoulda's......

What, just 10 things? Hell no! But hey, it's a start!!!

Blog Suicide.............

Blog Suicide....... Can their be such a thing? How many times have you sat down at the computer making an entry to your blog about something you are passionate about, your thoughts are flying, you're reaching down deep, laying it on the line, just as you feel it. And then bam! You stop suddenly in your tracks and you ask yourself, "Is this politically correct? Am I going to get a bad rating for this? Am I committing Blog Suicide here?

"Oh my God!" The thought of it all sends you clicking away at your backspace button or rapidly hitting the delete button. You lean back, think for a moment, then resume your entry, trying to sugar coat your thoughts in order to create a post that gets your feelings/point across but stops short of an untimely death. How sad is that? This rating thing is a double edged sword! No high so high, no low so low!! The thrill you get when you see someone gave you a 7 or an 8 or God forbid something higher! It almost feels like you're back in grade school trying to impress your teacher or your parents, patting you on the head and telling you good job! And then there's that blogger or two or three that slams you! Gives you a damn 1 or 2? Hell, that's almost not even showing up for class! How on earth can you get a rating like that other than spew hatred a vile thoughts? If I don't like a blog I just keep on surfing. We all have varying opinions. We are individuals, that's what makes surfing so much fun. Seeing different points of views other than my own, like them or not.

There are always places and times when certain topics are taboo. You know those topics, politics, religion, sex. The topics that consume us on a daily basis through media, at work at play, in our face all the time. So why not talk about them in our blogs without fear of blog suicide? If there was ever a time when our country was more divided by party lines, pro /anti war, morality issues, it's now. So I ask this, before you slam me or my fellow bloggers with a 1 or a 2 ask yourself this, "Did what they say inspire me? Involk thoughts of my own? Make me feel passionate about my own beliefs?" If you can answer "yes" to any of those than maybe just maybe the post served it's purpose and ignited new passions of your own.

Cooking 101 - Kindergarten Style..

Alas, I have failed as a mother, as a parent, as the next graduate of whatever is latest culinary school of the moment!!! My six-year-old son told me this evening he wanted a flour tortilla with cheese for dinner because that's what they made in Kindergarten today. Friday is fun day so we experiment with casual dinning (sure, go ahead call it eating crap day!) So I say, "hey, no problem, cheese quesadilla! Piece of cake!" I pull out the shredded cheese, flour tortillas and frying pan. At that very moment he's shrieking, "You’re doing it wrong!! Seriously, Cheese Quesadilla's isn't exactly Emril or Julia Child material. I've done this dozens of times, no problem. So, I talked him through it, helping him flip it in the pan, swirl it around and eventually slice it with the pizza slicer, the thrill of it all lasted approximately 1 1/2 minutes. Once completed and his first bite taken, the shriek retuned and once again I was reminded, "That's not how your suppossed to make it!" I messed up big time.

I was then instructed how to properly make a cheese quesadilla. Please note the following recipe for future references:

1 - Flour Tortilla
1 - Slice of American Cheese (do not confuse this with real shredded cheese, big mistake!)
1 - Paper towel
1 - Hot Iron

Remove plastic from slice of imposter cheese, lay on tortilla and fold in half. Place paper towel on top and place hot iron on top to heat and melt. Do not allow burning smell to fill room!

Alas, the stove, microwave, grill, whatever heating device you currently use is not longer in style. Who knew?

Cooking 101 - Kindergarten Style..... 

A Quirky Quiz, That Knows My Soul????

You Are a Visionary Soul

You are a curious person, always in a state of awareness. Connected to all things spiritual, you are very connect to your soul. You are wise and bright: able to reason and be reasonable. Occasionally, you get quite depressed and have dark feelings. You have great vision and can be very insightful. In fact, you are often profound in a way that surprises yourself. Visionary souls like you can be the best type of friend. You are intuitive, understanding, sympathetic, and a good healer. Souls you are most compatible with: Old Soul and Peacemaker Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Our Own Little "White Heaven"

The local weather men have been warning us all week of the next big snowstorm to come, and it has!! We've gotten four inches over the last several hours with no signs of slowing down!! It is absolutely gorgeous!! I live in the desert state of Nevada. Our state flower is the Sagebrush (yes, I know, a semi ugly bush!) In the summer we are on water restrictions and are only allowed to water twice a week. All of that seems so distant with this wonderful, beautiful blanket of snow. I can't help it, I love it!! My children love it! Who can resist the magic of snow and all that it brings!!! O.K. maybe I've been lulled by the mesmerizing never ending falling of flakes. Come Sunday when this is supposed to let up I might have a different take on all of this, but for today I'm snuggled up in the house with the kids and we have a cupboard full of soup and hot chocolate!! What more can I ask for??

Benjamin having a blast in todays snowstorm!! 

My snow angel................

Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow...........

Yesterday we had a huge snow fall, the largest since 1990! At this time I have 18" in my yard!! We are expected to get hit again late tonight or early tomorrow morning. This is only Saturday and we've already been told that we are having our first "No School - Snow Day" on Monday!! My kids are excited to have their Christmas break extended another day. I'm gratefull that I have four wheel drive but not so gratefull that people still drive like idiots on the icy roads!! But I'm able to overlook it all for its beauty.......................

A view from my porch. How beautiful!!

A view from my porch!!