Child of MIne...........

'They' said, that at six weeks of age they thought maybe he bumped his head on a door knob. 'They' said, maybe they put him in the baby's seat too hard. 'They' said, they pinched his cheeks too hard sometimes too...........

But the 'Doctors' said, "In order to fracture a six week old baby's skull on a door knob you would have to grab the baby by his ankles and spin around as fast as you could, allowing him to hit his head with as much force as possible on the metal knob.

The 'Neurologist' said, "It will be years before we know the damage." The 'Physical Therapist' said, "He will be delayed in many area's of his life for a very long time." The 'Speech Therapist' said, "He will probably be special needs throughout all or most of his school years.

The 'Judge' said, "It was one of the worst cases of child abuse" he had ever seen. The blood vessels in his eyes had burst, and you could no longer see the whites in his eyes."

The 'State Welfare Department' said, "There will be no reunification, due to severe child abuse."

The 'New Judge' said, "Will you promise to make him your own, to care for him and all the needs he may have?" I nodded and smiled.

That was four years ago. My promise today is the same as it was then. "I will love him with all that I am, with all that I will be." I will protect him, nurture him and show him just what love truly is. He has taught me patience and courage and more then anyone else in my life he has shown me what unconditional love is.

Not flesh of my flesh, not bone of my bone, but still miraculously my own. Never forget for a single minute, you didn't grow under my heart but in it................

'Mommy' says............ "I love you," Boo Boo Eyes of Blue..........

The Ballad of Reading Gaol.......

After graduation, in the summer of 1983 I set off to search for things I had yet to see. I was so passionate about learning, or more importantly, experiencing new things. In my lust for life, I became enthralled with poetry, albeit somewhat morbid poetry.

While staying with my sister, my brother-in-law introduced me to Oscar Wilde. I had flirted with reading him in high school but my attention span seemed to be more limited. Not because the school I attended lacked in it's education, but rather because my mind chose to dwell on things so much grander then the grey walls that surrounded me.

Recently while having a glass of wine with an old friend from school and being told for the hundredth time about the inadequacies of our education during or formulative years, I remembered an old poem I used to spend hours trying to memorize in my latter teens. This is quite a lengthy poem and I was only able to memorize the first nine paragraphs. To this day, I cannot forget the words they are forever engraved in my memory. In my younger years I dont believe I could truly appreciate the true meaning behind this poem, but 20+ years later, it's words are bittersweet.

The Ballad of Reading Gaol

Excerpt - Oscar Wilde 1898

Yet each man kills the thing he loves,

By each let this be heard,

Some do it with a bitter look,

Some with a flattering word,

The coward does it with a kiss,

The brave man with a sword!

Some kill their love when they are young,

And some when they are old;

Some strangle with the hands of Lust,

Some with the hands of Gold:

The kindest use a knife, because

The dead so soon grow cold.

Some love too little, some too long,

Some sell, and others buy;

Some do the deed with many tears,

And some without a sigh:

For each man kills the thing he loves,

Yet each man does not die.

Small Town Dreams.......

In the summer of 1983, right after my 18th birthday I took flight and left the state I had lived in all my life. I'm not too sure if I was running to anything anymore then running away from something. Like so many kids my age we were seeking out where our niche in the world would be and what we would become. We refused to believe that this small town we were born in could possibly hold all of our dreams and ambitions.

At 18, I felt as if I had a million possibilities of what I would one day become. The world lay ahead of me and I truly believed I was invincible. I could go anywhere, do anything, become anything I wanted.

Years later, I would in fact return to that same small town and live in the same house I grew up in as a child. By the age of 40 I had lost both my mom and dad. Somehow, I no longer felt invincible and have come to the conclusion that life is quite often much shorter then we think.

We spend days, weeks, years waiting for our lives to become all we expected it to be. Time passes and those old memories of what we believed we could become soon begins to fade.

So here I sit, decades later contemplating the first 41 years that passed me by with nothing more then a handful of memories and boxes of pictures that represent the time that has slipped so quickly by. My greatest accomplishment to date would be my two incredible children. I now know that I had to come back to this town to have them be a part of my life, the best part.

I would like to think the first 40 years was just practice for what is to come. That I needed that time to get my shit together so I could become that person I always believed I would be.

So here's to the next 40+ years. Where I hope to become a better mother, a stronger person, and able to achieve those things I've always known I could..................

It's All Perspective.............

In the aftermath of Katrina as we continue receiving the sobering facts of the death toll, I'm in awe. This catastrophe has affected our nation, our government, our politics, and has ignited debates and arguments among even the of closest friends.

But before we cast our second round of stones and everyone takes aim at who's to blame, perhaps we should review some sobering facts. Yes, even one lost life is too many, if it's preventable. But in turn, maybe we should say a prayer, whisper a thank you, breath a heavy sigh of relief, and acknowledge how truly lucky we've been. Considering the statistics, we were fortunate.

DEATHS BY HURRICANE KATRINA

(as of October 8, 2005)

1003 ......................... Louisiana

221.......................... Mississippi

14...........................Florida

2...........................Georgia

1242.................Total

DEATHS BY EARTHQUAKE IN SOUTH ASIA

(as of October 9, 2005)

20,000 + ......................Pakistan

DEATHS BY TSUNAMI

(as of January 19, 2005)

212,611............ Indonesia Regional Death Toll

Perhaps as Americans, we have led a very sheltered life, when it comes to experiencing natural disasters (of a large magnitude). Add to that, the terrorist attack of 911. Perhaps it is time we take a deep breath and look at the world around us with a bit more perspective...................

Meet Me Half Way

Music by Giorgio Moroder, Lyrics by Tom Whitlock, Sung by: Kenny Loggins

In a lifetime

Made of memories

I believe

In destiny

Every Moment

Returns again in time

When I've got the future on my mind

Know that you'll be the only one

Meet Me Half Way

Across the sky

Out where the world belongs

To only you and I

Meet me Half Way

Across the sky

Make this a new beginning

Of another life

In a lifetime

There is only love

Reaching for

The lonely one

We are stronger

When we are giving love

When we put emotions on the line

Know that we are the timeless ones......

No Shades of Gray.......

I am addicted............. Plain and simple. I cannot tell a lie. Very few shows on T.V. touch me, move me in a way I care to comment on. I have however found one that does, "Gray's Anatomy".

Tonight this show made me think in a way that most made for t.v. series never do. In it's final moments of the episode the following words were spoken.... Words I wont soon forget........

"There is something to say about a glass half full. It's entirely up to the individual, and it depends on what is being poured! Sometimes all we want is a taste. Other times, there is no such thing..... and nothing is enough, and all we want, is more...."

How true is that? If we were ever to acknowledge anything it would be, "We deserve more."

My wish for us is that we never forget that we do in fact deserve is MORE..... And if you people out there can not ackn0wledge that, "Can I have your leftovers?" Because if any of you have any doubt, "I DO NOT!!"

She's Home............

At last! My friend returned home Monday after vacationing in New Orleans and being caught in Hurricane Katrina. The pain in my heart has eased, but not yet gone. While she has returned home safe, I still believe there is a long road ahead for her.

I can hear the sadness in her voice. She is quite and withdrawn. She has changed. How could she not? I know, odds are, I will be told 100+ times that I can't possibly understand just what she and her husband have gone through and how it has forever changed their lives. I know she is right, and no matter how hard I try it may just never be enough. But I believe with all that I am, that sometimes we go through things to learn a life lesson. Who knows what the lesson is? Perhaps it's to have a little more faith, or maybe a little more patience, perhaps to draw the two of them closer together. And sometimes, I believe we are placed somewhere at a certain point and time to benefit others as well. I believe this was a large part why she was there at that time.

I hope as time goes by, her memories of Katrina wont be just about all the pain and sadness but also about about what she has gained and learned. I hope the people that surrounded her and gave her courage will be there in 5, 10 and 20 years down the road as true friends. I hope that they will not disapoint her and what she believes their connection is. I hope in a month, or a year or five years, when everyone else in the world has moved onto whatever may be the latest breaking news, I hope she will have a peace within her and know within her heart, that she is a survivor, a giver. And that at a time when her life ceased to be as she knew it, she came through with flying colors. I also hope she knows that while I may not have been there with her, my heart was........ I hope she knows that no matter what, "I" will be there in 5, 10 and 20 years.

Enough of this Bullshit!..........

It's fast approaching midnight on Thursday night. I'm tired and exhausted. I've been watching Katrina news on t.v. all day. I have been searching for my best friends face on the screen, and nothing. I've visited dozens of websites typing her name in every 'Search' box I can find, and nothing. I haven't heard from her since Sunday. She had just arrived at the Superdome when she had called. I can't fall asleep, I can't get the images out of my head. I feel like puking . I feel like part of me is missing, my heart hurts...........

If I read one more friggin' blog bitching about our President and our country and how all of this could have been prevented, how much better another party could have dealt with it, I really am going to puke! It is people like you that destroy the very core of what we as Americans should stand for, unity in the face of crises; regardless of the friggin little box you checked at the DMV or on your voters registration card! Now is not the time to climb your pitiful political platforms casting stones. You want things to be different? Then do something other then your spewing your armchair politics! Get off your ass and do something positive. Build up our country rather then tear it down. And for God's sake just once take a deep breath and think before you speak. What will make this country stronger rather then divide it during this awful catasrophe, before you spout your dissatisfaction of this country I love and I call home! PLEASE!!!