Loss..........

This month has been a very tough month for me when it comes to loss. I have found myself grieving for a number of things, several of which I had no control over, thus compounding my feeling of helplessness.

I have spent 18.5 years of my life working at a place that I loved and hated all in the same breath. I am a dedicated soul. I will give everything in me to make something succeed. I am not a quitter and I do not have a short attention span. I am loyal and faithful and will be be there until the end.

While working for my previous employer, I met and discovered many of my best friends. On January 10th of this year , the place that I spent so many of my waking moments, closed it's doors and ceased to be. I was there to the end with my best friends, experiencing the moment where yet, another chapter of my life would cease to exist. We danced, we drank, we cried and we vowed to survive and never let go of those who have been a part of our lives for so very long. I left the party with what would be a very bad hangover and a sadness that was overwhelming. And yet, I knew, I would survive.

This job was not my primary form of income. I felt the demise of this company approaching. Because of this, I had obtained another full time job a couple of years before it's closure. I knew this was necessary because 100% of my family income came from this one establishment. I knew that my financial future would be compromised if I did not do so.

One of the souls I met while working there, was a regular customer who had once been an employee. He was the kind soul who drank too much, partied too hard, and lived out loud. Two days after our closure he was admitted to the hospital with a brain tumour and deteriorated quickly. His partner and family let him go, two days ago. In my heart of hearts, I believe he died because the very thing he loved the most, ceased to be. He could not see or believe beyond that.

This man, Dennis, cracked me up! He was always in search of a great time and made me laugh so many times. He never expressed a desire to travel the world, he never quoted dead poets, or suggested he knew more, or was better then anyone else. He was simply a soul, who lived amongst all of us. He touched our lives in a simple way that was never superficial but rather honest and raw, and real. He died at 53 years old. I am a better person for knowing him.

They say, "You have to let go, to let new things come into your life." I've heard it a hundred times. Lately, I've found myself whispering to myself in hopes to silence the chatter in my head.

I totally believe in growth and letting things go that drain your soul, those things that keep you down and shush your spirit. But you know, sometimes there are things you don't want to let go of, no matter who tells you you should. Sometimes, your belief in what can be, what should be. drowns out those other voices that suggests otherwise.

I have lost a few friends over the last couple of years for a number of reasons, whether because of job changes, moving, or simply life. I will miss those friends because I have cherished their friendship and the moments we have shared. I will pray as the river of life carries them away, they will know how much they have meant to me. But as time goes by I realize, that true friends never really disappear from our lives. They are still there, reaching out in moments in time when you need them most.

Tomorrow is a new day. I hope that with that with each new day, I can breath in and breath out. I hope my life continues be be filled with friends that make me laugh and help me grow to be a better person, a better soul, a wiser soul. I hope to learn what matters in life, and what I should let go and is too superficial to hang on to.

2009 is a new year, a new me, a new beginning............