100 Things, Five at a time.....

We've all seen these lists. They started a bazillion years ago in blog land. I vaguely recall doing one after seeing it somewhere after several late night surfing trips. However, when they first appeared, they were mostly one-liners that just hinted on the subject but never really explained the whole who, what, where, when and why of them.


So here we go again. This is my attempt at that list, one more time. This time I'd like to think I'm a little bit wiser, a little more real, with absolutely no desire to impress anyone. Most importantly I will have no intention of censoring myself and who I am.......


1. I color my hair. I'm not ashamed of it. I first started going grey when I was in my mid 20's. Yes, it's true, that was a couple of decades ago, I have so moved on. My dad started going grey in his 30's. It's genetics, it is what it is. I'm not a better person for it, or a worse person because of it. I have enough confidence in myself to know it doesn't define who I am......


2. My astrological sign is Cancer. I love the water. And where do I live? In the middle of the friggin' desert!! What's up with that? When I shut my eyes, I know down the road I will be living on the coast somewhere, anywhere. I have three sisters and a brother in South Carolina. I've been there several times and I love it. The humidity is tough, but the water was beautiful. But you know, I am a westerner, and I love it! My heart is on the West Coast. I love the Pacific. But when all is said and done, it's the water that I desire the most. I get lost in the peaceful movement of the water, the feeling of sun kissed cheeks, the tightness the salt brings to my skin, the feel of the breeze on my body and the smell of the ocean as I inhale. I guess, that is why I spend so many of my vacations on the beach somewhere, Mexico, Hawaii, anywhere where the sun is warm and the sand is soft......

3. I don't do sick. I know that sounds like an odd statement but so far up to this point in my life (o.k. show me some wood, so I can knock!!) I am relatively healthy. Yes, I could lose some weight, yes, I could build some muscle. But when it comes to the every day life kind of sickness I am relatively healthy. Because of my job I come into contact with several, students a day who are sick with the cold, the flu, pink eye, lice, whatever. And you know, after three years, I have faired extremely well. If I dare to venture beyond this job to the one before, that I held for 18 years, I could say the same. I don't get sick easily. I have a very strong immune system. I don't know why, maybe alcohol kills things, maybe some of it is mental, who knows. But, all in all I'm an ox. I have a 0% call in rate for my employer and the one before that, with the exception of a funeral here and there due to the loss of both my parents......


4. I detest snobbery. O.K. so maybe that isn't a word, but the idea, concept of it, still evokes disgust on my part. I find people shallow who judge people from the house they live in, the cars they drive, the books they read, where they live or the job they have. I don't care what art you appreciate, what operas you go to, or the plays you view. It doesn't matter. Unless you have experienced all walks of life you how can you judge anyone or anything? The words of a famous dead poet over that of an passionate angry young soul are unique unto their own. Arrogance annoys me. I haven't the time or the patience. It doesn't impress me......


5. The older I get, the more scared I get about losing a family member or friend. When I was younger, I took waking up for granted. I had my next day all planned out to the minute (give or take a few). However, this year I have lost a couple of friends due to death. I'm not ancient. I'm under 50, but they were barely over it, and they are gone. A lot of people my age are not faced with death. Most of them still have both parents, or perhaps they have lost one. Until you no longer have either parent and have nothing left to cling to but your siblings and your immediate family, it's a hard thing to imagine. God forbid you didn't have any children, how lonely you would be. Loss sucks. Death sucks. Find a soul to cling to and love, and cherish it with all your heart, because you know what? Someday, even that soul will be gone.......

Loss..........

This month has been a very tough month for me when it comes to loss. I have found myself grieving for a number of things, several of which I had no control over, thus compounding my feeling of helplessness.

I have spent 18.5 years of my life working at a place that I loved and hated all in the same breath. I am a dedicated soul. I will give everything in me to make something succeed. I am not a quitter and I do not have a short attention span. I am loyal and faithful and will be be there until the end.

While working for my previous employer, I met and discovered many of my best friends. On January 10th of this year , the place that I spent so many of my waking moments, closed it's doors and ceased to be. I was there to the end with my best friends, experiencing the moment where yet, another chapter of my life would cease to exist. We danced, we drank, we cried and we vowed to survive and never let go of those who have been a part of our lives for so very long. I left the party with what would be a very bad hangover and a sadness that was overwhelming. And yet, I knew, I would survive.

This job was not my primary form of income. I felt the demise of this company approaching. Because of this, I had obtained another full time job a couple of years before it's closure. I knew this was necessary because 100% of my family income came from this one establishment. I knew that my financial future would be compromised if I did not do so.

One of the souls I met while working there, was a regular customer who had once been an employee. He was the kind soul who drank too much, partied too hard, and lived out loud. Two days after our closure he was admitted to the hospital with a brain tumour and deteriorated quickly. His partner and family let him go, two days ago. In my heart of hearts, I believe he died because the very thing he loved the most, ceased to be. He could not see or believe beyond that.

This man, Dennis, cracked me up! He was always in search of a great time and made me laugh so many times. He never expressed a desire to travel the world, he never quoted dead poets, or suggested he knew more, or was better then anyone else. He was simply a soul, who lived amongst all of us. He touched our lives in a simple way that was never superficial but rather honest and raw, and real. He died at 53 years old. I am a better person for knowing him.

They say, "You have to let go, to let new things come into your life." I've heard it a hundred times. Lately, I've found myself whispering to myself in hopes to silence the chatter in my head.

I totally believe in growth and letting things go that drain your soul, those things that keep you down and shush your spirit. But you know, sometimes there are things you don't want to let go of, no matter who tells you you should. Sometimes, your belief in what can be, what should be. drowns out those other voices that suggests otherwise.

I have lost a few friends over the last couple of years for a number of reasons, whether because of job changes, moving, or simply life. I will miss those friends because I have cherished their friendship and the moments we have shared. I will pray as the river of life carries them away, they will know how much they have meant to me. But as time goes by I realize, that true friends never really disappear from our lives. They are still there, reaching out in moments in time when you need them most.

Tomorrow is a new day. I hope that with that with each new day, I can breath in and breath out. I hope my life continues be be filled with friends that make me laugh and help me grow to be a better person, a better soul, a wiser soul. I hope to learn what matters in life, and what I should let go and is too superficial to hang on to.

2009 is a new year, a new me, a new beginning............

I Know You Won't.....

This is the song that Carrie Underwood sang at the People's Choice awards tonight. I had never heard it before but could relate to it in more ways then I really want to admit. Awesome show tonight and a a song that is brutally honest even if it isn't in a way that makes us all walk away feeling warm and fuzzy.

Sometimes relationships are like that. Our only hope is, that when all is said and done we can still shut our eyes tight and remember the moments when the passion and love surpassed all else and made us feel alive and invinsible. Each day as we inhale we make the conscious choice to remember the thing that drove us to that soul in the first place. And as we exhale we let go of the pain that same soul inflicted upon us.......

Breath in....... Breath out...... Believe in ourselves and our dreams..... Breath in..... Breath out......

I Know You Won't..........

Artist: Carrie Underwood
Song: I Know You Won't
Album: Carnival Ride

I know you don't mean to be, mean to me
Cause when you want to you can make me feel like we belong
We Belong...

Lately, you make me feel all I am is a backup plan
I'll say I'm done and then you smile at me and I'll forget

Everything I said...

I'll buy into those eyes and into your lies

CHORUS

You say you'll call, but I know you
You say you're coming home, but I know you
You say you'll call, but I know you won't.
You say you'll call, but I know you won't.

I wish you were where you're supposed to be
Close To me

But here I am just staring at this candle burning out
There's still no sound

Of footsteps on my stairs
Of your voice anywhere

CHORUS

You say you'll call, but I know you
You say you're coming home, but I know you
You say you'll call, but I know you won't.
You say you'll call, but I know you won't.

You say you'll call, but I know you
You say you're coming home, but I know you
You say you'll call, but I know you won't.
You say you'll call, but I know you won't.