Eyes of Blue......

Child of MIne...........

'They' said, that at six weeks of age they thought maybe he bumped his head on a door knob. 'They' said, maybe they put him in the baby's seat too hard. 'They' said, they pinched his cheeks too hard sometimes too...........

But the 'Doctors' said, "In order to fracture a six week old baby's skull on a door knob you would have to grab the baby by his ankles and spin around as fast as you could, allowing him to hit his head with as much force as possible on the metal knob.

The 'Neurologist' said, "It will be years before we know the damage." The 'Physical Therapist' said, "He will be delayed in many area's of his life for a very long time." The 'Speech Therapist' said, "He will probably be special needs throughout all or most of his school years.

The 'Judge' said, "It was one of the worst cases of child abuse" he had ever seen. The blood vessels in his eyes had burst, and you could no longer see the whites in his eyes."

The 'State Welfare Department' said, "There will be no reunification, due to severe child abuse."

The 'New Judge' said, "Will you promise to make him your own, to care for him and all the needs he may have?" I nodded and smiled.

That was four years ago. My promise today is the same as it was then. "I will love him with all that I am, with all that I will be." I will protect him, nurture him and show him just what love truly is. He has taught me patience and courage and more then anyone else in my life he has shown me what unconditional love is.

Not flesh of my flesh, not bone of my bone, but still miraculously my own. Never forget for a single minute, you didn't grow under my heart but in it................

'Mommy' says............ "I love you," Boo Boo Eyes of Blue..........

The Ballad of Reading Gaol.......

After graduation, in the summer of 1983 I set off to search for things I had yet to see. I was so passionate about learning, or more importantly, experiencing new things. In my lust for life, I became enthralled with poetry, albeit somewhat morbid poetry.

While staying with my sister, my brother-in-law introduced me to Oscar Wilde. I had flirted with reading him in high school but my attention span seemed to be more limited. Not because the school I attended lacked in it's education, but rather because my mind chose to dwell on things so much grander then the grey walls that surrounded me.

Recently while having a glass of wine with an old friend from school and being told for the hundredth time about the inadequacies of our education during or formulative years, I remembered an old poem I used to spend hours trying to memorize in my latter teens. This is quite a lengthy poem and I was only able to memorize the first nine paragraphs. To this day, I cannot forget the words they are forever engraved in my memory. In my younger years I dont believe I could truly appreciate the true meaning behind this poem, but 20+ years later, it's words are bittersweet.

The Ballad of Reading Gaol

Excerpt - Oscar Wilde 1898

Yet each man kills the thing he loves,

By each let this be heard,

Some do it with a bitter look,

Some with a flattering word,

The coward does it with a kiss,

The brave man with a sword!

Some kill their love when they are young,

And some when they are old;

Some strangle with the hands of Lust,

Some with the hands of Gold:

The kindest use a knife, because

The dead so soon grow cold.

Some love too little, some too long,

Some sell, and others buy;

Some do the deed with many tears,

And some without a sigh:

For each man kills the thing he loves,

Yet each man does not die.

Small Town Dreams.......

In the summer of 1983, right after my 18th birthday I took flight and left the state I had lived in all my life. I'm not too sure if I was running to anything anymore then running away from something. Like so many kids my age we were seeking out where our niche in the world would be and what we would become. We refused to believe that this small town we were born in could possibly hold all of our dreams and ambitions.

At 18, I felt as if I had a million possibilities of what I would one day become. The world lay ahead of me and I truly believed I was invincible. I could go anywhere, do anything, become anything I wanted.

Years later, I would in fact return to that same small town and live in the same house I grew up in as a child. By the age of 40 I had lost both my mom and dad. Somehow, I no longer felt invincible and have come to the conclusion that life is quite often much shorter then we think.

We spend days, weeks, years waiting for our lives to become all we expected it to be. Time passes and those old memories of what we believed we could become soon begins to fade.

So here I sit, decades later contemplating the first 41 years that passed me by with nothing more then a handful of memories and boxes of pictures that represent the time that has slipped so quickly by. My greatest accomplishment to date would be my two incredible children. I now know that I had to come back to this town to have them be a part of my life, the best part.

I would like to think the first 40 years was just practice for what is to come. That I needed that time to get my shit together so I could become that person I always believed I would be.

So here's to the next 40+ years. Where I hope to become a better mother, a stronger person, and able to achieve those things I've always known I could..................