Chasing The Moon............

An Ode to Love and Me....

2011-01-26T01:21:00.000-08:00

As I look back on my life and contemplate the choices I've made, there are thousands of left's or right's I could have taken, for this I am sure. However, regardless of the outcome, when I lay my head on my pillow each night, there are truths that I know.... deep within in my heart, without doubt that cannot be disceted, disbuted or erased by any strike of the key, deletion of an e-mail or cancelling of a post......

"Love the heart that hurts you, but never hurt the heart that loves you." - Vipin Sharma

"You will find as you look back upon your life that the moments when you have really lived are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love." - Henry Drummond

"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. " - Buddha Siddhartha Gautama

"Pooh, promise me you won't forget about me, ever. Not even when I am a hundred." Pooh thought for a little. "How old shall I be then?" "Ninety-nine." Pooh nodded. "I promise," he said. - A. A. Milne

"You live, you die, but if you never try, life goes on without you..." Truth be told, "I tried. I believed. I loved....." - Me

Time to Begin Again...

2010-12-30T00:29:00.000-08:00

A new day, a new beginning. Time to begin again....

“I must learn to love the fool in me the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries.” - Theodore Isaac Rubin

100 Things 6 - 10...........

2009-03-09T19:47:00.000-07:00

6. I am addicted to Coca Cola. Please don't confuse this with Diet Coke. Which sends me off on another tangent.... Have you ever noticed that so many people who drink Diet drinks such as Diet Coke or Diet Pepsi are still overweight or obese? What's up with that? All those diet drinks and it still means nothing!! I'd rather drink the real thing and still weigh less then those who consume mass quantities of the diet thing. When I say I am addicted to Coca Cola, for me, that means: I will not, do not drink Pepsi, ever! I will instead choose a 7-Up option such as Sprite, Sierra Mist, whatever. I hate Pepsi! It's sweetness overwhelms me. I can't explain it any better then that.......

7. I first started playing tennis in middle school. In high school I played varsity tennis all four years. My high school team sucked. We could never beat the richer schools and their privately trained kids. We couldn't compete with professionally trained players, it was a fact, plain and simple. But what we lacked in skill, we made up for in tenacity. You know, sometimes when the chips are down and you can't see the sun for the rain, you go with option "B". While the rest of the team was dreading the match, I was plotting it out in my head. My best offense was defense. If I could get to the ball fast enough, I would try my best to return it with full force by aiming for them. I know, I know, maybe that was unprofessional or perhaps unsportsmanlike. Who knows, but if you know they are going to slam you with their serves or their fast returns, or at the net, what else is there to do, but run up to the net with a vengeance, acting like a crazy fool , with your eyes wide, stopping short, from foaming at the mouth!! My only goal was to return the ball while doing my best to make a direct hit on their body, their whatever..... The goal was to return the ball in a manner they could not return, albeit a bit whacked. I know, it was what it was, was but damn, it sure the hell made it a more even playing ground. It was all legal, and all psychological. And you know what? It was worth every point!!!

8. The older I get the more secure about myself I get. When I was younger I spent so much time worrying about what other people would think, or say. Now, in the big scheme of things, it really isn't that important to me. People are going to think what they are going to think. They don't know me, and if they think they do, I know better. Life is like that, people look at you and judge you based on what they see, where you are from, the car you drive, the house you live in. It's all so superficial. When you look at me, you can't see my talents, you can't feel my passion, you don't know my potential....

9. I love the rain. I never carry an umbrella, wear a hat or a rain coat. I've never bought a pair of rain boots and would prefere to be barefoot in it all if I could. I love the smell, the feel, the touch of the rain on my skin. I find it all very intoxicating and erotic and cleansing...........

10. I'm not a follower. I don't care who the "In" celebrity is. I don't care who the "favorite" canidate is. On social issues I'm a free thinker, on political issues I don't lean with the masses. My favorite books probably aren't your favorite books. What I do in my spare time will more then likely not be what you do in your spare time. I teach my kids to be independent souls, not to follow but to take a chance and lead. And if by chance no one follows them, maybe that is a good thing, because being different takes courage......

It's Friday Night & The Feeling's Right.....

2009-03-06T23:03:00.000-08:00

Oh it's Friday Night and the feelings right, yes it's Friday night and the feelings right...... Oh what a night!!!

Oh yeah!!!! What a night...............................................

Time To Begin Again.....

2009-02-19T22:20:00.000-08:00

Just when you think that you can't see tomorrow for the clouds, someone comes along that teaches you a new song, shows you a new play, a new day, a new promise....

Life is weird. Maybe, so much of it really is nothing more then an illusion, merely an act in a play so much larger then any of us could imagine. Maybe, what we thought was our be all, to our do all, really isn't.

While mourning a lost love/friend that I believed in with all my heart, I found myself discovering something new, more real, more honest, more raw, something bigger then anyone or anything I've ever known. I have discovered something that has made me catch my breath. I've found myself believing once again in myself, my dreams, my potential and all that I have to offer yet never realized by others.

While grieving my loss, I found myself becoming bored and tired of trying to compete with images from the past, with souls that I've never met, that have played such a heavy roll with the ones I've loved. I'm done with them, the pedestals which they have been placed on, and the time that I've wasted wondering just why they even matter in the big scheme of things. Truth is, they don't. Those souls are merely obstacles in the game of life. Beings that cross your path, appearing to be mirages in a desert, tidal waves in a lake, snow storms in the summer. Don't get me wrong, yes, they play an important part in someones life, just not mine.....

Tonight, I lay my head on my pillow, not dreaming of my past or the souls that have filled it, but rather the souls that are present and real and honest in my world today... That is my future..... The future I choose to live in..............

If I Could.......

2009-02-07T20:58:00.000-08:00

I was surfing the net, feeling a little lonely and missing some some friends that I have lost over the last couple of years. This song touched my heart and said what words could not.....

If I Could......

A brand new baby was born yesterday,
Just in time
Papa cried, baby cried
Said, your tears are like mine
I heard some words
from a friend on the phone,
didn't sound so good
The doctor gave him two weeks to live
I'd give him more if I could

You know that I would now
If only I could
You know that I would now
If only I could

Down the middle drops one more
grain of sand
They say that
new life makes losing life easier to understand
Words are kind
they help ease the mind
I miss my old friend
And though you gotta go
we'll keep a piece of your soul
One goes out
One comes in

You know that I would now
If only I could
You know that I would now
If only I could

Jack Johnson...

100 Things, Five at a time.....

2009-01-30T22:00:00.000-08:00

We've all seen these lists. They started a bazillion years ago in blog land. I vaguely recall doing one after seeing it somewhere after several late night surfing trips. However, when they first appeared, they were mostly one-liners that just hinted on the subject but never really explained the whole who, what, where, when and why of them.

So here we go again. This is my attempt at that list, one more time. This time I'd like to think I'm a little bit wiser, a little more real, with absolutely no desire to impress anyone. Most importantly I will have no intention of censoring myself and who I am.......

1. I color my hair. I'm not ashamed of it. I first started going grey when I was in my mid 20's. Yes, it's true, that was a couple of decades ago, I have so moved on. My dad started going grey in his 30's. It's genetics, it is what it is. I'm not a better person for it, or a worse person because of it. I have enough confidence in myself to know it doesn't define who I am......

2. My astrological sign is Cancer. I love the water. And where do I live? In the middle of the friggin' desert!! What's up with that? When I shut my eyes, I know down the road I will be living on the coast somewhere, anywhere. I have three sisters and a brother in South Carolina. I've been there several times and I love it. The humidity is tough, but the water was beautiful. But you know, I am a westerner, and I love it! My heart is on the West Coast. I love the Pacific. But when all is said and done, it's the water that I desire the most. I get lost in the peaceful movement of the water, the feeling of sun kissed cheeks, the tightness the salt brings to my skin, the feel of the breeze on my body and the smell of the ocean as I inhale. I guess, that is why I spend so many of my vacations on the beach somewhere, Mexico, Hawaii, anywhere where the sun is warm and the sand is soft......

3. I don't do sick. I know that sounds like an odd statement but so far up to this point in my life (o.k. show me some wood, so I can knock!!) I am relatively healthy. Yes, I could lose some weight, yes, I could build some muscle. But when it comes to the every day life kind of sickness I am relatively healthy. Because of my job I come into contact with several, students a day who are sick with the cold, the flu, pink eye, lice, whatever. And you know, after three years, I have faired extremely well. If I dare to venture beyond this job to the one before, that I held for 18 years, I could say the same. I don't get sick easily. I have a very strong immune system. I don't know why, maybe alcohol kills things, maybe some of it is mental, who knows. But, all in all I'm an ox. I have a 0% call in rate for my employer and the one before that, with the exception of a funeral here and there due to the loss of both my parents......

4. I detest snobbery. O.K. so maybe that isn't a word, but the idea, concept of it, still evokes disgust on my part. I find people shallow who judge people from the house they live in, the cars they drive, the books they read, where they live or the job they have. I don't care what art you appreciate, what operas you go to, or the plays you view. It doesn't matter. Unless you have experienced all walks of life you how can you judge anyone or anything? The words of a famous dead poet over that of an passionate angry young soul are unique unto their own. Arrogance annoys me. I haven't the time or the patience. It doesn't impress me......

5. The older I get, the more scared I get about losing a family member or friend. When I was younger, I took waking up for granted. I had my next day all planned out to the minute (give or take a few). However, this year I have lost a couple of friends due to death. I'm not ancient. I'm under 50, but they were barely over it, and they are gone. A lot of people my age are not faced with death. Most of them still have both parents, or perhaps they have lost one. Until you no longer have either parent and have nothing left to cling to but your siblings and your immediate family, it's a hard thing to imagine. God forbid you didn't have any children, how lonely you would be. Loss sucks. Death sucks. Find a soul to cling to and love, and cherish it with all your heart, because you know what? Someday, even that soul will be gone.......

Loss..........

2009-01-25T22:51:00.000-08:00

This month has been a very tough month for me when it comes to loss. I have found myself grieving for a number of things, several of which I had no control over, thus compounding my feeling of helplessness.

I have spent 18.5 years of my life working at a place that I loved and hated all in the same breath. I am a dedicated soul. I will give everything in me to make something succeed. I am not a quitter and I do not have a short attention span. I am loyal and faithful and will be be there until the end.

While working for my previous employer, I met and discovered many of my best friends. On January 10th of this year , the place that I spent so many of my waking moments, closed it's doors and ceased to be. I was there to the end with my best friends, experiencing the moment where yet, another chapter of my life would cease to exist. We danced, we drank, we cried and we vowed to survive and never let go of those who have been a part of our lives for so very long. I left the party with what would be a very bad hangover and a sadness that was overwhelming. And yet, I knew, I would survive.

This job was not my primary form of income. I felt the demise of this company approaching. Because of this, I had obtained another full time job a couple of years before it's closure. I knew this was necessary because 100% of my family income came from this one establishment. I knew that my financial future would be compromised if I did not do so.

One of the souls I met while working there, was a regular customer who had once been an employee. He was the kind soul who drank too much, partied too hard, and lived out loud. Two days after our closure he was admitted to the hospital with a brain tumour and deteriorated quickly. His partner and family let him go, two days ago. In my heart of hearts, I believe he died because the very thing he loved the most, ceased to be. He could not see or believe beyond that.

This man, Dennis, cracked me up! He was always in search of a great time and made me laugh so many times. He never expressed a desire to travel the world, he never quoted dead poets, or suggested he knew more, or was better then anyone else. He was simply a soul, who lived amongst all of us. He touched our lives in a simple way that was never superficial but rather honest and raw, and real. He died at 53 years old. I am a better person for knowing him.

They say, "You have to let go, to let new things come into your life." I've heard it a hundred times. Lately, I've found myself whispering to myself in hopes to silence the chatter in my head.

I totally believe in growth and letting things go that drain your soul, those things that keep you down and shush your spirit. But you know, sometimes there are things you don't want to let go of, no matter who tells you you should. Sometimes, your belief in what can be, what should be. drowns out those other voices that suggests otherwise.

I have lost a few friends over the last couple of years for a number of reasons, whether because of job changes, moving, or simply life. I will miss those friends because I have cherished their friendship and the moments we have shared. I will pray as the river of life carries them away, they will know how much they have meant to me. But as time goes by I realize, that true friends never really disappear from our lives. They are still there, reaching out in moments in time when you need them most.

Tomorrow is a new day. I hope that with that with each new day, I can breath in and breath out. I hope my life continues be be filled with friends that make me laugh and help me grow to be a better person, a better soul, a wiser soul. I hope to learn what matters in life, and what I should let go and is too superficial to hang on to.

2009 is a new year, a new me, a new beginning............

I Know You Won't.....

2009-01-07T21:10:00.000-08:00

This is the song that Carrie Underwood sang at the People's Choice awards tonight. I had never heard it before but could relate to it in more ways then I really want to admit. Awesome show tonight and a a song that is brutally honest even if it isn't in a way that makes us all walk away feeling warm and fuzzy.

Sometimes relationships are like that. Our only hope is, that when all is said and done we can still shut our eyes tight and remember the moments when the passion and love surpassed all else and made us feel alive and invinsible. Each day as we inhale we make the conscious choice to remember the thing that drove us to that soul in the first place. And as we exhale we let go of the pain that same soul inflicted upon us.......

Breath in....... Breath out...... Believe in ourselves and our dreams..... Breath in..... Breath out......

I Know You Won't..........

Artist: Carrie Underwood
Song: I Know You Won't
Album: Carnival Ride

I know you don't mean to be, mean to me
Cause when you want to you can make me feel like we belong
We Belong...

Lately, you make me feel all I am is a backup plan
I'll say I'm done and then you smile at me and I'll forget

Everything I said...

I'll buy into those eyes and into your lies

CHORUS

You say you'll call, but I know you
You say you're coming home, but I know you
You say you'll call, but I know you won't.
You say you'll call, but I know you won't.

I wish you were where you're supposed to be
Close To me

But here I am just staring at this candle burning out
There's still no sound

Of footsteps on my stairs
Of your voice anywhere

CHORUS

You say you'll call, but I know you
You say you're coming home, but I know you
You say you'll call, but I know you won't.
You say you'll call, but I know you won't.

You say you'll call, but I know you
You say you're coming home, but I know you
You say you'll call, but I know you won't.
You say you'll call, but I know you won't.

Just A Second....

2008-12-27T02:25:00.000-08:00

This article was recently posted on Yahoo......

"Wait a second. The start of next year will be delayed by circumstances beyond every one's control. Time will stand still for one second on New Year's Eve, as we ring in the New Year on that Wednesday night. As a result, you'll have an extra second to celebrate because a "Leap Second" will be added to 2008 to let a lagging Earth catch up to super-accurate clocks.
By international agreement, the world's timekeepers, in order to keep their official atomic clocks in step with the world's irregular but gradually slowing rotation, have decreed that a Leap Second be inserted between 2008 and 2009.

The extra second, ordered by the world's nominal timekeeper, the International Earth Rotation and Reference Systems Service, will be marked officially at the stroke of midnight on Wednesday in Greenwich, England, the home of what is popularly known as Greenwich Mean Time (GMT) – Coordinated Universal Time (UTC) to the more technically inclined – the standard time for the planet.

So at precisely 23:59:60 at Greenwich, England, on New Year's Eve, there will be a one-second void before the onset of midnight and the start of the New Year. Wednesday will see the 24th Leap Second that has been needed since the practice was initiated in 1972, and will be the first in three years."

So I ask you...... What difference does a second make? Does it mean anything? What does it represent? A "lost kiss?" A "lost thought?" A "chance not taken?" "A word not spoken?"

Damn, something thought to be so minute, something so insignificant can in turn mean so much. If we lose that second where does it go? Do we we seize the moment and use it, or do we hold our breath and wait for it to disappear, never to be used again....... Just a second, can mean so much.....

Merry Christmas.......

2008-12-25T08:58:00.001-08:00

A new GPS for me, hanging on my tree!

A beautiful Garmin Colorado 400T!

Pumpkin........

2008-12-10T21:52:00.000-08:00

Yep, it's a pumpkin. Beautiful and simple. Just a plain, little pumpkin given to me by my 10 year old son. Given with a smile and a kiss. Yes, this is the perfect pumpkin, given out of love....

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

2008-11-27T11:16:00.000-08:00

Got To Begin Again......

2008-11-20T00:01:00.000-08:00

Got To Begin Again.....
Billy Joel

Well so, here I am at the end of the road
Where do I go from here?
I always figured it would be like this
Still nothin' seems to be quite clear

All the words have been spoken
And the prophecy fulfilled
But I just can't decide where to go
Yes, it's been quite a day
And I should go to sleep
But tomorrow I will wake up and I'll know
That I've got to begin again
Though I don't know how to start
Yes, I've got to begin again, and it's hard

Well, it's been quite a while since I lifted my head
And I'm sure the light will hurt my eyes
I see the way that I've been spendin' my days
And reality has caught me by surprise
I was dreamin' of tomorrow
So I sacrificed today
And it sure was a grand waste of time
And despite all the truth
that's been thrown in my face
I just can't get you out of my mind
But I've got to begin again
Though I don't know how to start
Yes, I've got to begin again, and it's hard
Yes, it's hard, oh, ooh, ooh

Billy Joel....

--------------------------------------------------------

Yesterday is gone, the past I cannot change.....
But tomorrow will be a better day,
Cause I know......
I got a lotta' love, still comin' my way....
I deserve a second chance,
and I'm the one to give it
It starts right here, right now...
Let it begin with me....

M....

God Bless You America.....

2008-11-03T18:18:00.000-08:00

On this eve of one of the most costly and politically charged elections of all time, I find myself holding my breath and saying a prayer. God Bless You America, not damn you, but God Bless You..... May we survive and thrive with the outcome of this election.....

Ladies Night .......

2008-11-01T15:32:00.000-07:00

Every year, one of my best girlfriends and I throw a party for our favorite girl friends. Some of the faces are the same every year, sometimes they change. This year many of the faces have changed since I no longer work where she does and have added a few friends of my own.

We take turns hosting the event at either of our houses. This year I'll be going to her house. We send out fancy invitations, no children, no men, just women who remain friends throughout all the changes in our jobs, our men, through broken hearts, failed careers and life.

This years menu is: Brie, Crab Puffs, Artichoke Hearts, Spinach Pear Salad, Fillet Mignon, Bacon Wrapped Prawns and Caramel Cheesecake. And oh yes, this years beverage of choice is Wine. The designated drivers are standing by and the case of wine is being unloaded.

So to my friends with whom I'm about to consume large amounts of alcohol with and share in some great food and laughs, an oldie but goodie comes to mind.....

Ladies Night by Cool & The Gang......

Mm oh yeah,what a night
Oh yes it's ladies night
And the feeling's right
Oh yes it's ladies night
Oh what a night, oh what a night

Girls, y'all got one
A night that's special everywhere
From New York to Hollywood
It's ladies night and girl
the feeling's good
(*Repeat 2 times)

Romantic Lady , single baby
Mm sophisticated mama
Come on you disco lady yeah
Stay with me tonight , mama ,yeah

If you hear any noise
It ain't the boys, it's ladies night , uh huh

Gonna step out ladies night
Steppin' out ladies night
Gonna step out ladies night
Steppin' out ladies night

On disco lights your name will be seen
You can fullfill all your dreams
Party here, party there, everywhere
This is your night, baby
You've got to be there

This is your night Tonight,
everything is gonna be alright (repeat)

Come on let's all celebrate(repeat)

Oh ladies night and the feeling's right
Come on let's all celebrate
Lovely lady, lady, I love you

Girls, y'all got one (what?)
A night that's special everywhere
You dance, you smile, the guys go wild
So chic so fine you all looks so divine

Details to follow.........

Tomorrow....

2008-10-26T23:11:00.000-07:00

"Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday." -John Wayne

Watching You, Watching Me, Watching you, Watch Me....

2008-08-24T23:19:00.000-07:00

You think your special?
So did I....
I thought I had his heart,
Since I loved him from the start.

Through you, I live my past.
I watch your moves
Only to remember my own.
A repetition of days gone by....

A game of tennis, a point scored.
A photo taken, a photo shared.
A dance, a sweet embrace.
A concert shared, a song remembered....

A touch so light.
A kiss so deep.
An embrace so tight.
A release so slow....

One heart broken,
Another soars.
One tear drops,
The other smiles....

At one time, he was mine,
A moment later, he was yours.
But facts are the same,
There is only one winner in this game....

She's the one who rolls the dice,
Who writes the rules.
Who dreams her own dream
Of a soul far away....

What a silly game we chose to play.
Risking it all for a love far away.
Clinging to someone,
Who is as lost as we are....

Love....

2008-08-19T21:13:00.000-07:00

There are a million songs I could sing, to tell you how I feel.

Perhaps, I should quote a phrase from some long, dead, famous soul.

But those words would only belong to someone else but me.

You hold my heart within, the palm of your hand.

You may choose a soul other then my own,

But facts remain, despite my pain, I'll love you to the end.....

Stronger Woman - Jewel.....

2008-05-17T02:11:00.000-07:00

I guess you could say I'm one of those girls
That's always been with one of those guys
You know the type
Like right now, he sleeps while I write
But it's better than crying
I'm worn out from trying
From loving a man who always makes it clear
I'm not welcome here
Just when he's hungry or frisky or needs something clean
You know what I mean

But not tonight
'Cause come the morning light
I'm gonna love myself more than anyone else
Believe in me, even if someone can't see
A stronger woman in me

I'm going to be my own best friend
Stick with me till the end
Won't lose myself again, never, no,
'Cause there's a stronger woman,
A stronger woman in me

Light bulbs buzz, I get up
And head to my drawer
I wish there was more
I could say
Another fairytale fades to gray
I've lived on hope
Like a child
Walking that mile
Faking that smile
All the while
Wishing my heart had wings

But from now on,
I'm going to be
The kind of woman
I'd want my daughter to be, oh

I'm gonna love myself more than anyone else
Believe in me, even if someone can't see
A stronger woman in me
I'm gonna be my own best friend
Stick with me till the end
I won't lose myself again, never, no
'Cause there's a stronger woman,
A stronger woman

This is me, packing up my bags
And this is me, headed for the door
And this is me, t
he best you ever had
I'm going to love myself
More than anyone else
Believe in me even if someone can't see
The stronger woman in me
I'm going to be my own best friend
Stick with me till the end
Won't lose myself again, no, no
'Cause there's a stronger woman
A stronger woman
There's a stronger woman,
A stronger woman in me

Thanks to you my friend, A Stronger Woman I will be.....

It Is What It Is.........

2008-04-09T22:35:00.000-07:00

I saw a show tonight so profound it may quite possibly have changed my life. About a man dieing from Cancer. A noble, brave, honorable type of man. The kind of man that has left footprints in the souls of almost every person he has crossed....

While the man's courage and conviction of his destiny left me in awe, his wife who will one day be the survivor of the legacy he leaves behind, affected me just as much.

When speaking of her husband's impending death she said, "It is, what it is." Simple and pure, spoken in truth and compassion. A fact she cannot change but instead embraces with knowledge that how she deals with her loss may be greater then pretending it never existed.

We all experience loss, lose grasp of the very things that make us feel alive, make us feel loved, makes us part of who we are. Somewhere along the line, someone takes a left, when we take a right and as we look over our shoulder in search of our destiny, the plan we envisioned, the dream we nurtured we find it running in the opposite direction of no fault of our own.

Maybe, just maybe our destiny, is bigger then a person, place or thing. Maybe our destiny is a chance not taken on their part, a path the lazy man cannot follow, a destination not achievable by all. Maybe our desires are greater, grander, felt with more conviction then theirs. Maybe, just maybe, life 'It is what it is.' Maybe it's God letting us know, that there is something so much more in store for us, then that little thing, person, goal that we thought meant everything......

Maybe it really isn't maybe. Perhaps things happen for a reason. To learn and grow bigger then the things we thought were possible. Maybe God believes we are capable of so much more. I think beliveing in ourselves is far more important then believing in those around us...... Maybe surviving has everything to do with ourselves, and maybe we deserve so much more then "that" person is capable of giving, maybe we give "them" so much more then they deserve. Maybe it's up to us, Maybe, "It Is What It Is".............

Have A Litte Faith In Me........

When the road gets dark
And you can no longer see
Just let my love throw a spark,
baby Have a little faith in me

When the tears you cry
Are all you can believe
Just give these loving arms a try,
baby Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me

When your secret heart
Cannot speak so *easily*
Come here darlin’
From a whisper start
To have a little faith in me

When your back’s against the wall
Just turn around, you will see I will catch ya,
I will catch your fall
Just have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me

Well, I’ve been loving you for such a long, long time baby
Expecting nothing in return
Just for you to have a little faith in me
You see time, time is our friend *for you and me*
Cause for us there is no end
All you gotta do is have a little faith in me

I said I will hold you up, I will hold you up
Your strength gives me enough
So have a little faith in me

Hey baby, oh, baby
All ya gotta do is have a little faith in me
All ya gotta do is have a little faith in me
A little faith in me

I'm happy to say, today, I believe in me..............

You are My I Love You....

2008-01-07T22:08:00.000-08:00

I am your parent;

you are my child.

I am your quiet place;

you are my wild.

I am your calm face;

you are my giggle.

I am your wait;

you are my wiggle.

I am your carriage ride;

you are my king.

I am your push'

you are my swing.

I am your audience;

you are my clown.

I am your London Bridge;

you are my falling down.

I am your carrot sticks;

you are my licorice.

I am your dandelion;

you are my wish.

I am your water wings;

you are my deep.

I am your open arms;

you are my running leap.

I am you way home;

you are my new path.

I am your dry towel;

you are my wet bath.

I am you dinner;

you are my chocolate cake.

I am your betime;

you are my wide awake.

I am your finish line;

you are my race.

I am your praying hands;

you are my saying grace.

I am your favorite book;

you are my new lines.

I am your night-light;

you are my starshine.

I am your lullaby;

you are my peekaboo.

I am your good-night kiss;

you are my I love you.

Written by: Maryann K. Cusimano

Summer Of 64'....... The Story Of Me....

2007-10-08T23:11:00.000-07:00

It was the summer of 64', where free love roamed the country and lingered, if for one moment in the small town where I was born. Lyndon B. Johnson was running the country by default, trying to fill in the footsteps of JFK, a national icon shot down in the prime of his life. Vietnam was raging on, in a country far away, while America was humming to the tune of "Just a Spoon Full of Sugar" from one of the years biggest movies, Mary Poppins.

The irony of it all left the bitterness of saccharine in your mouth. The war angered the youth of our country but the youth in our family were oblivious to to the chaos the rest of America was experiencing.

In the home that I was born, a celebration was taking place. Johnson had just signed the Food Stamp Act designed to aid needy families in a cooperative federal state food program. It was a sign of things to come. Relief, when there was thought to be none. In a blended family with six children news like this rocked our world with greater impact than the Beatles's national tour. I grew up in Reno, a small thriving community set in the foothills of the Sierra Nevada mountains, known not so much for its beauty, rather it's ability to attract dreamers. It lured visitors with the hope of fortune and prosperity, a land a riches.

It was the hope of these things that attracted my parents to this desert paradise. My parents worked the business, or perhaps it was the business that worked them. As if pre-determined by the food gods; my parents were destined to meet. My father was cook in one of the larger casinos on Reno's mini strip; my mother a waitress in another. Their union joined by the commonality of food, but nurtured by alcohol and gambling.

The gaming industry helped my family put food on the table; almost as much as it took it away. In a state that boasted no income taxes a disease was spreading with my family: addiction. Alcohol ran much more freely than Kool-Aid, a feat of its own considering the number of children involved. My mother was on her third marriage and giving birth to her sixth and final child. The world as she knew it was about to change, never to be the same for any of us again.

Our family was a huge boulder rolling down a steep hill. Momentum was building, there would be no stopping what was to happen. We were headed for a crash, breaking us all apart; leaving nothing behind but a handful of sharp-edged, jagged rocks. It would be years before the edges would be rubbed smooth and the damage repaired....................

This is my story, albeit not always perfect. My past has had it's challenges, full of mistakes and on occasion regrets. But when all is said and done, like those of my past and those of my future, all mistakes and challenges were made in search of love. Flawed as they may be, but always sought in search of truth...........

Viva Las Vegas, Baby!!!

2007-09-06T20:49:00.000-07:00

Whoo Hoo!! I'm leaving early Monday morning for a three day, two night all expense paid luxury trip to Las Vegas!!! I'm going with a friend I've known for a long time but have recently become much closer to. This gig is half work (a new milestone in my life) and a whole lot of fun!! Our motto for this trip.............. "Viva Las Vegas! What happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas!" It's been a long time coming... But NOW it's MY turn to LIVE it up....... NO regrets!!

Delete...

2007-08-10T23:55:00.000-07:00

No matter how many times you may hit the Delete button, I still exist.......

Drowning In You....

2007-07-29T02:21:00.000-07:00

Drowning In You
by Gretchen Peters

you blow in harder than a hurricane
i’m always standing in the pouring rain
sometimes it’s all that i can do
to keep from drowning in you

you come on softer than a summer wind
love me til i’m weak and then you’re gone again
and i ain’t got no anchor to hold on to
to keep from drowning in you

bridge: you always pull me under
while i’m trying to stay afloat
you bring the rain and thunder
i bring the boat

i used to come running when you’d cry for help
but this time around baby i gotta save myself
gotta keep my head above the blue
gotta keep from drowning in you

sometimes it’s all that i can do
to keep from drowning in you

©2002 sony/atv tunes, purple crayon music

Life Lesson - Via E-mail....

2007-07-21T19:10:00.000-07:00

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well.

The animal cried piteously for hours

as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old,

and the well needed to be covered up anyway;

it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over to help him.

They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.

At first, the Donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.

Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well.

He was astonished at what he saw.

With each shovel of dirt that hit his back,

the donkey was doing something amazing.

He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal,

he would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.

The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.

Each of our troubles is a steppingstone.

We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up!

Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

Live simply and appreciate what you have.

Give more - Expect less.......

NOW ............ Enough of that crap!

The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.

The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong,

and try to cover your ass,

it always comes back to bite you!

This Month's Life Lessons.....

2007-06-27T01:43:00.000-07:00

What I learned this month............

I'm allmost 43 years old and am just now begining to figure out what makes a man and what doesn't......
Honesty and integrity are not traits we are born with, and alot of people never obtain those qualities, yet preach about them daily......
"I'm sorry" doesn't make everything better. The older I get the more I've come to realize it's just another word and it doesn't fix anything or make the hurt go away......
Karma is a powerful thing. What comes around, goes around. Sometimes it just takes longer to get to those that that warrant it's total effect......
To thrive people must grow and change. Sometimes we have to let go of the things we thought we loved in order for this to happen. Once we allow that to happen we can step back and see things more objectively......
If consumed in excess, Tuaca doesn't always make everything seem so much clearer.....
If consumed in excess, Tuaca can make some things seem a lot better then it really was...
I'm too old for hangovers....
My inner voice won't fail me if I don't fail it.....
The older I get, the better life gets.....
My most important job is to raise my two boys to be strong, smart men with character and integrity, to replace those on this earth lacking such characteristics....
Children put all life's chaos into perspective....

Keep Breathing.......

2007-05-17T22:15:00.000-07:00

Keep Breathing

Ingrid Michaelson

The storm is coming but I don't mind.
People are dying, I close my blinds.
All that i know is I'm breathing now.
I want to change the world...instead I sleep.
I want to believe in more than you and me.

But all that I know is I'm breathing.
All I can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.
All that I know is I'm breathing.

All I can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

My Blog Style....

2007-04-08T23:14:00.001-07:00

You know, every now and then I get a comment about not posting enough. When I first started this blog it was for various reasons (looking back now, perhaps all the wrong reasons). Someone who I thought was close to me, introduced me to the blog world and I dived in head first. That was a few years ago. When I started this blog I'm not even totally sure what my intention was other then to try something new and oh, so techy and edgy. But facts are, I'm neither of those.....

I have now come full circle and write this blog for me and no one else. There are only a couple of people in my everyday life who even know I have one. I don't make posts advertising peoples products, pictures in magazines, there is no randomness in this blog, it's all personal not just random words on a page to fill a daily quota. I guarantee no certain number of posts a day, I promise no topics. My posts are purely from my heart, put to words when it seems I can no longer hold it inside of me. I make no apologies.... I speak from my heart...

I've known many people in my life who have a wide range of interests, and are committed to none. Their attention span is limited, they easily become bored with the effort, lose the vision and move on to the next "new" thing to temporarily conquer. I am not one of those people. I am methodical, dedicated and committed, at my own speed. While I may not write often, I enjoy it and will not quit.

I do love receiving random comments and having continuous hits to my blog, and I hope they continue.............

Quote of the Day........

2007-03-19T21:44:00.002-07:00

There are people who put their dreams in a little box and say, "Yes, I've got dreams, of course I've got dreams." Then they put the box away and bring it out once in awhile to look in it, and yep, they're still there. Erma Bombeck

I Hate You......

2007-03-05T00:05:00.000-08:00

I hate that I am using that word. I do not allow my children to use it, and yet it flows from my lips with such bitterness, it burns. I know the word hate carries so much negativity and conceptions of bigotry. But as I sit here at this midnight hour searching for a word to express what I am feeling, I am at a loss for any other word that best describes my feelings towards you....

I have run across many people in my past, as well as my present that I find there actions, their words, their beliefs, distasteful and at times nauseating. But most of them never consume my thoughts, my dreams as you. You, in your anonymity, in your little world, in the life you live outside my own, yet forever intertwined in mine.

I do not care what your excuse is. I do not care how your memory has distorted the truth as it was, or how you perceive it to be. I do not care about your age, or who you think is to blame.

In one breath, in one action, you conceived my little boy with your sperm and egg. And yet, less then six weeks later, you cracked his skull, bruised his body and forever altered his life. And here I sit, almost seven years later, tears spilling over, trying so hard to put back the pieces of this little soul you damaged. Hate, just doesn't seem to be enough...........

This week I will take my precious angel to the doctor again, they will scan his head, test is skills, draw his blood, and make him cry. He will look at me with those bright blue eyes. He will search my face as if to ask "why?" "Why, did I bring him there? Why am I allowing them to do these things to him? Why aren't I protecting him?" I hate you.......

I hate what you did to him. I hate that you could move on in your life, and he is frozen in time, in his skills, in his learning, in achieving his fullest potential.

And yet with your carelessness, your abuse, your neglect; I was blessed with a soul to care for, a soul to love, a soul to nurture.....

I will strive all my life to help him overcome the obstacles he will face. I will be his advocater, his voice, his support system. I will believe in his potential when everyone else has given up. I will teach him to be a better person then you are. I will teach him that anger can be conquered. He will not grow to be the poster child of his past. He will know love, he will learn patience, he will not repeat history. And like me, he will learn forgiveness.....

Damn, sometimes, words just aren't enough..

2007-02-06T23:32:00.000-08:00

My Previous Life.....

2007-02-01T21:02:00.000-08:00

By Gayle Sorensen Stringer

In my previous life, before I was reincarnated as a mother of three, I wore clothes that fit and matched. I wore makeup and curled my hair every day. I had my eyebrows waxed and my nails done. But no one gave me graham cracker kisses. No one ever told me how pretty I look in sweats.

In my previous life, I read Time magazine and the newspaper. My repartee of regular television viewing transcended Arthur and The Magic School Bus, and I devoured all the bestselling novels. But no one asked me to read The Velveteen Rabbit at bedtime. No one ever requested The Little Engine that Could.

In my previous life, I had a career and friends who were more than three feet tall. People asked for my opinions and entrusted me with important projects and confidential information. I had conversations where not once was mentioned snacks or potties or play dates. But no one asked me my favorite color or why the sky is so blue. No one ever wanted me to sing.

In my previous life, I had a life. I frequented aerobics classes, restaurants and the theater. I hosted parties where the themes had nothing to do with Star Wars or Winnie-the-Pooh. I shopped for myself and slept late on weekends. But no one made me Valentine cards. No one ever gave me dandelion bouquets.

In my previous life, I traveled, and my destinations did not hinge on theme parks or swimming pools or nap schedules. The Mayan ruins of the Yucatan, snorkeling in the Caribbean, museum hopping in Italy, Kabuki Theater in Japan . . these were my playgrounds. I was the queen of the road and my destiny. But no one asked me to push the swing higher. No one ever invited me to splash in puddles or roll in the snow.

In my previous life, I held my emotions in check. I did not stomp my feet or grit my teeth. I could not easily be diminished to tears or tirades. I considered my demeanor as laid-back and easygoing. But, no one made me care enough to cry. No one ever just loved me, anyway.

In my previous life, I was free. I could carve my own path and follow my dreams. Nothing stood in my way. But the path was unsure and the vision blurred. No one ever gave me purpose enough to soar. Now, I endlessly rearrange piles of laundry, crumbs and toys. I am pulled and tugged, hassled and harassed, stepped on and sat upon, and desperate for some solitude. I am jean-clad and juice-stained, bleary-eyed and graying, underpaid and overwhelmed. And, sometimes I wonder who I am and what I've become. Then, one of my children shouts, "Mommy, I need you!" and it is perfectly clear.

I am the center of the Universe. I am MOM.

(I received this via e-mail, one of the many that actually touched my heart)

Oh, The Games People Play Now...........

2007-01-28T23:28:00.000-08:00

Oh, the games people play now
Every night and everyday now
Never meanin' what they say now
Never sayin' what they mean....

Why they waol away the hours
In their ivory towers
To be covered up with flowers
In the back of a black limosene....

Oh, we made one another cry,
Break our hearts when we say goodbye
Cross our hearts and hope to die
"Cept the other one's to blame....

Neither one will ever feel it
So we gaze at an 8 by 10
Thinkin' 'bout things that might have been
OW, It's a dirty rotten shame....

Look around tell me what you see
What's happenin' to you and me
God grant me the serenity
To remember who I am............

Cause you're givin up your sanity
For your pride and your vanity
Turn your back on humanity
OW, When you don't give a damn....

Talking about you and me
And the games people play.....

Check .....

SOR-RY......

2007-01-25T21:47:00.000-08:00

adjective, -ri·er, -ri·est.

1. feeling regret, compunction, sympathy, pity, etc.: to be sorry to leave one's friends; to be sorry for a remark; to be sorry for someone in trouble.
2. regrettable or deplorable; unfortunate; tragic: a sorry situation; to come to a sorry end.
3. sorrowful, grieved, or sad: Was she sorry when he broke her heart?
4. associated with sorrow; suggestive of grief or suffering; melancholy; dismal.
5. wretched, poor, useless, or pitiful: a sorry horse.
6. (used interjectionally as a conventional apology or expression of regret): Sorry, you're misinformed. Did I dump you? Sorry.
7. sorry, such a pitifull hollow word, often used to explain actions or lack there of, when honest words would be so much better, so much more compassionate prior to inflicting pain......

Goodbye Alice In Wonderland..............

2007-01-07T19:28:00.000-08:00

Jewel - Goodbye Alice In Wonderland

Music Video Code provided by VideoCodes4U

Merry Christmas...........

2006-12-25T01:00:00.000-08:00

I'm exhausted!! It is now officially Christmas morning (1:00 am). Everyone is fast asleep. Santa came and went, ate the cookies the kids and I baked tonight and drank the milk. The kids are wound as tight as a champagne cork, but thankfully fast asleep~

I try to recall the family traditions my family and I had on this night so many years ago when I was a child. I suppose it's my lack of memory that forces me to put so much pressure on myself to create new family traditions that my children will remember. It's not an easy job! I'm married to a man who was raised Jewish (hey, no problems there). I think it would be much easier if he practiced his religious beliefs and we were able to include Hanukkah in our holiday celebrations in the proper way. But no, he's half assed at everything. Thus, leaving me to read a children's book about Hanukkah and trying to put a Christians spin on the whole damn thing so they experience all aspects of this holiday. If my children don't totally end up so confused it will be a total miracle (lighting the candles and giving the gifts is the easy part! It's those damns Jewish prayers that get my tounge tied every time!)

Every year I spend Christmas Eve wrapping alone, playing Santa to his fullest potential and trying my best to keep the spirit and magic of Christmas alive. It's not an easy thing to do alone. At a time when I could so use a friend or a kindred spirit by my side, I find they are busy with their own families, their own traditions. Holidays are a tough, for everyone I suppose. There are so many expectations for this magical day.

So to all my friends who may read this today or a week from now when I cross their mind, I hope you and yours have/had a very Merry Christmas! And as the new year approaches I hope you find peace and contentment in the choices you make and the lives you lead............ Be well my friends, be well...........

The America That Makes Me Proud.....

2006-10-20T19:34:00.000-07:00

Remember the guy who got on a plane with a bomb built into his shoe and tried to light it?

Did you know that his trial is over? Did you know he was sentenced? Did you see/hear any of the judge's remarks on TV or radio? Didn't think so. Everyone should hear what the judge had to say. . . . . . . . .

Ruling by Judge William Young, US District Court.

Prior to sentencing, the Judge asked the defendant if he had anything to say.

His response: After admitting his guilt to the court for the record, Reid also admitted his "allegiance to Osama bin Laden, to Islam, and to the religion of Allah," defiantly stated "I think I will not apologize for my actions," and told the court "I am at war with your country."

Judge Young then delivered the statement quoted below:

January 30, 2003, United States vs. Reid. Judge Young:

"Mr. Richard C. Reid, hearken now to the sentence the Court imposes upon you.

On counts 1, 5 and 6 the Court sentences you to life in prison in the custody of the United States Attorney General. On counts 2, 3, 4 and 7, the Court sentences you to 20 years in prison on each count, the sentence on each count to run consecutive with the other.

That's 80 years. On count 8 the Court sentences you to the mandatory 30 years consecutive to the 80 years just imposed. The Court imposes upon you each of the eight counts a fine of $250,000 for the aggregate fine of $2 million. The Court accepts the government's recommendation with respect to restitution and orders restitution in the amount of $298.17 to Andre Bousquet and $5,784 to American Airlines. The Court imposes upon you the $800 special assessment.

The Court imposes upon you five years supervised release simply because the law requires it. But the life sentences are real life sentences so I need go no further. This is the sentence that is provided for by our statutes. It is a fair and just sentence. It is a righteous sentence.

Let me explain this to you. We are not afraid of you or any of your terrorist co-conspirators, Mr. Reid. We are Americans. We have been through the fire before. There is all too much war talk here and I say that to everyone with the utmost respect. Here in this court, we deal with individuals as individuals and care for individuals as individuals.

As human beings, we reach out for justice.

You are not an enemy combatant. You are a terrorist. You are not a soldier in any war. You are a terrorist. To give you that reference, to call you a soldier, gives you far too much stature. Whether it is the officers of government who do it or your attorney who does it, or if you think you are a soldier. You are not... you are a terrorist. And we do not negotiate with terrorists. We do not meet with terrorists. We do not sign documents with terrorists. We hunt them down one by one and bring them to justice.

So war talk is way out of line in this court. You are a big fellow. But you are not that big. You're no warrior. I've known warriors.

You are a terrorist. A species of criminal that is guilty of multiple attempted murders. In a very real sense, State Trooper Santiago had it right when you first were taken off that plane and into custody and you wondered where the press and where the TV crews were, and he said: "You're no big deal."

"You are no big deal."

What your able counsel and what the equally able United States attorneys have grappled with and what I have as honestly as I know how tried to grapple with, is why you did something so horrific. What was it that led you here to this courtroom today?

I have listened respectfully to what you have to say. And I ask you to search your heart and ask yourself what sort of unfathomable hate led you to do what you are guilty and admit you are guilty of doing. And I have an answer for you. It may not satisfy you, but as I search this entire record, it comes as close to understanding as I know.

It seems to me you hate the one thing that to us is most precious.

You hate our freedom. Our individual freedom. Our individual freedom to live as we choose, to come and go as we choose, to believe or not believe as we individually choose. Here, in this society, the very wind carries freedom. It carries it everywhere from sea to shining sea. It is because we prize individual freedom so much that you are here in this beautiful courtroom. So that everyone can see, truly see, that justice is administered fairly, individually, and discretely. It is for freedom's sake that your lawyers are striving so vigorously on your behalf and have filed appeals, will go on in their representation of you before other judges.

We Americans are all about freedom. Because we all know that the way we treat you, Mr. Reid, is the measure of our own liberties. Make no mistake though. It is yet true that we will bear any burden; pay any price, to preserve our freedoms. Look around this courtroom. Mark it well. The world is not going to long remember what you or I say here.

Day after tomorrow, it will be forgotten, but this, however, will long endure. Here in this courtroom and courtrooms all across America , the American people will gather to see that justice, individual justice, justice, not war, individual justice is in fact being done. The very President of the United States through his officers come into courtrooms and lay out evidence on which specific matters can be judged and juries of citizens will gather to sit and judge that evidence democratically, to mold and shape and refine our sense of justice

See that flag, Mr. Reid? That's the flag of the United States of America . That flag will fly there long after this is all forgotten. That flag stands for freedom And it always will.

Mr. Custody Officer. Stand him down.

So, how much of this Judge's comments did we hear on our TV sets?

We need more judges like Judge Young.............. Powerful words that strike home.

(I received this via e-mail through a friend of a friend of a friend. Definately worth a post!)

I Will Remember................

2006-05-28T23:48:00.000-07:00

Both my folks served their country,

my Dad in the Korean War and my Mom in WWll as a Navy Wave.

I miss them both........

Not Just Today, But Everyday....

I Will Rembember,

So They Will Not Forget...

The number of U.S. armed forces personnel who served in World War II between Dec. 1, 1941, nd Dec. 31, 1946 was 16.1 million.
The average length of active-duty by U.S. military personnel during WWII was 33 months.
The proportion of U.S. military personnel who served abroad during WWII was 73 percent. - - The average time U.S. personnel served overseas during WWII was 16 months.
A total of 292,000 U.S. soldiers, sailors, airmen and marines were killed in battle in WWII.
The number of other deaths sustained by U.S. forces during WWII was 114,000.
671,000 U.S. troops were wounded during WWII.
5.7 million World War II veterans were counted in the 2000 Census. The census identified the period of service for World War II veterans as September 1940 to July 1947.
The estimated number of WWII veterans living in California in 2002 was 475,000, the most in any state. Other states with high numbers of WWII vets included Florida (439,000), New York (284,000), Pennsylvania (280,000), Texas (267,000) and Ohio (208,000).
The estimated number of women in 2002 who were WWII veterans was 210,000. These women comprised 4.4 percent of WWII vets.
The proportion of all veterans in April 2000 who were WWII veterans, was 22 percent.
The median age of WWII veterans when the last census was conducted was 76.7 years old.
The proportion of WWII veterans who were still employed in 2000 was 11.6 percent.
The number of WWII veterans in 2002 who received compensation for service-connected disabilities was 440,000, about half the number in 1990 (876,000) and nearly two-thirds less than the nearly 1.2 million disabled WWII vets in 1980.

Data courtesy of the U.S. Census Bureau and The History Channel Website

The Star Spangled Banner.................

2006-04-30T23:24:00.000-07:00

There seems to be a lot of confusion lately just what our national anthem is. This song was written 194 years ago. I'm not really sure what copyright rules were in effect back then but you know, I'm thinking they should pretty much be the same as they are now. This song was written in regard to 'The War of 1812' and the British invasion during the birth of our country. In today's world there seems to be a lot of confusion towards its meaning. This song portrays a part of our history. Any revision or alteration serves an injustice to who we are as a country and where we came from.

This is a new millennium. Times are different now, our country faces different challenges. I respect the need for every voice, nationality, culture to be heard. But let this be a new day. Let a new song be written to express those needs and desires. Why must we alter/amend/steal a song from our past?

The Star Spangled Banner

Written by: Francis Scott Key - 1814

O, say can you see by the dawn's early light
What so proudly we hail'd at the twilight's last gleaming?

Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight,

O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming?

And the rocket's red glare, The bomb bursting in air,

Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
O, say does that star spangled banner yet wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?

On the shore, dimly seen through the mists of the deep,
Where the foe's haughty host in dread silence reposes,
What is that which the breeze, o'er the towering steep,
As it fitfully blows, half conceals, half discloses?

Now it catches the gleam Of the morning's first beam,
In full glory reflected now shines in the stream:
'Tis the star-spangled banner - O long may it wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!

And where is that band who so vauntingly swore
That the havoc of war and the battle's confusion, sweepingly
A home and a country should leave us no more!
Their blood has washed out their foul footsteps' pollution.

No refuge could save, The hireling and slave
From the terror of flight, or the gloom of the grave:
And the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!

O, thus be it ever, when freemen shall stand
Between their loved home and the war's desolation!
Blest with vict'ry and peace, may the heav'n rescued land
Praise the Power that hath made and preserved us a nation.

Then conquer we must, When our cause it is just,
And this be our motto - "In God is our trust."
And the star-spangled banner in triumph shall wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!

Ode To A Fish Named 'Fish'..................

2006-04-22T18:48:00.000-07:00

Alas, after three long years, my son's fish lost his battle to live and made his way into that land far beyond the bend in the toilet bowl. Last night as we fed him, I noticed he had lost much of his color and his breathing seemed labored. I pre-warned my son, Ben, that I thought the end was near.

Three years ago after a trip to Wally World I fell in love with a plant that had a Beta fish in a vase. My son fell in love with the fish. After many thought provoking hours thinking of the perfect name, my son came up with the ever original name "Fish" and on occasion "Fishy". After a month or so the fish lived long enough to warrant a tank of his own. While we have had a few other Beta's since his arrival he seemed to be the only one to survive the over feeding, the dirty tank, the toys accidentally or not so accidentally finding their way into his private abode.

As we went into my son's room to check on Fish's status we found him floating at the bottom of his tank. I was preparing the conversation in my head as to how to explain to my son that his fish was in fact dead and stiff as a board. Before I could even utter words of sympathy, my son said, "Mom, Fish is dead! Can I get a snake now?" (followed by his attempt at diabolical laughter). Needless to say it pretty much went downhill from there. My two sons got in a heated discussion as to who would get to push the handle on the toilet to send Fish to the Great Beyond.

Alas, sometimes some of life' lessons don't quite have the impact on our children as we often think they might. And sometimes when a small child loses the fish he had grown to love, he
is also forced to lose or let go of any dream he may have ever had of owning a snake.............. So for now, I am the Dream Crusher, the Evil Mommy who just doesn't understand how cool it would be to be the only kid in class to have a snake. Yes, perhaps those can be heavy words to some, but I know, by this time next week we will be back on the subject of Hermit Crabs and Frogs..............

Just a Simple Easter Greeting............

2006-04-15T13:58:00.000-07:00

A New Song From an Old Favorite.........

2006-03-21T21:40:00.000-08:00

O.K. I'll admit it, I'm a nerd. Growing up I always seemed to be a decade behind my time when it came to my musicical favorties. Or perhaps, I just had on old soul in a young body, who knows........

Whatever the case, I was a sucker for the lounge singers, Anne Murray, Helen Reddy, Mac Davis, John Denver, Barry Manilow and yes, the never say die, Kenny Rogers!

But that was decades ago and yes, with age comes growth and broadening of ones horizons. I no longer wear out the needle on my record player nor burn up my eight tracks. I have since converted to music from this decade. But every now and then, behind closed doors and in my solitude. I listen to some of my old favorites, and once in awhile one of them releases something new.

This time it was Kenny Rogers. While his voice has grown a little raspier over the years, it's always been his lyrics that caught my attention. A song from his new album is no exception. It made we catch my breath and smile. The perfect song for a person whose past haunts her.....

"I Can't Unlove You"
Sung by: Kenny Rogers

Postcards and letters
Pictures made to last forever
To Be boxed upand tossed away

Nick-Nacs, Souverners

In an afternoon
Their out of here
They dissapear without a trace
What they mean to me can never be replaced

[chorus]

I cant unthink about you
I cant unfeel your touch
I cant unhear all the words
Unsay all the things that used to mean so much
I wish i could unremember everything
My hearts been through
Im finding out its impossible to do
Oh, its no use, I cant unlove you
In this dance of old songs
Like time they go on and on
I guess i could learn to do the same
I could wake up without you

* The New Living Will..........

2006-03-17T00:08:00.000-08:00

*I am sure you all know the importance of a living Will. Today most hospitals will not admit you without one. So then, here is a new and improved form forwarded to me by my friend. I for one have mine on file signed and notarized.........

THE NEW LIVING WILL....

I, "Me, Myself and I", being of sound mind and body (well lets go with this, ok?), do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.

Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it, or any lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills and using what little savings I have left, that might be passed on to my beloved children, spouse or significant other (and oh yeah, if my spouse/significant other is currently living with a female other then myself, ignore him as well!)

Therefore, if a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for, or inquire about at least one of the following:

______ Where's my boys?
______ A glass of red wine
______ A shot of Tuaca, straight up, with a beer chaser
______ A Margarita
______ A Pizza
______ Chinese Food
______ Steak, Lobster or Crab Legs
______ Got any Sunflower Seeds?
______ Wait, is this my Destiny?
______ Sex?
______ Any comments on my Blog today?

It should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person or next of kin and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, and call it a day!

Signed _________________ Dated ___________________

*I received this via e-mail and tweaked it to meet my own personnel needs and desires relevant upon my own life. If any of the above occurs, my spouse, children or significant other, friends will know the end is near.........."

2005-12-29T10:29:00.000-08:00

Thank You 2005!
(yes, I received this via e-mail!)

As another year will shortly be a memory, my heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed and wealthy!

Extra thanks for the ones that I have to open 15 times to get to the message.
Special thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes 'cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.
Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer drink Pepsi, or Dr Pepper, since the people who make these products are atheists who won't put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones, because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer use cancer-causing anti-perspirants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day!
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from, nor send packages by UPS, or FedEx, since they are actually Al Queda in disguise.
I no longer answer the phone, because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer eat KFC, because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer have any sneakers- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus, since I now have their recipe.
I no longer worry about my soul, because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.
Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
I no longer have any savings, because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).
I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail programs!
Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (EDT) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of mine's next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

Have a very HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Merry Christmas!!

2005-12-20T23:13:00.000-08:00

CHRISTMAS JOY...........

(Winifred F. Walters)

Christmas may be many things
or it may be a few.
For you, the joy is each new toy;
for me; it's watching you...........

The Eye of God........

2005-12-09T20:46:00.000-08:00

I received this photo in an email today and it made me "catch" my breath. According to the e-mail "this photo is a very rare one, taken by NASA. This kind of event occurs once in 3000 years. This is a picture NASA took with the Hubble telescope, called "The Eye of God".

In truth: This photograph of the coil-shaped Helix Nebula is one of the largest and most detailed celestial images ever made. The composite picture is a seamless blend of ultra-sharp images from NASA's Hubble Space Telescope combined with the wide view of the Mosaic Camera on the National Science Foundation's 0.9-meter telescope at Kitt Peak National Observatory near Tucson, Ariz. The image shows a fine web of filamentary "bicycle-spoke" features embedded in the colorful red and blue ring of gas. At 650 light-years away, the Helix is one of the nearest planetary nebulae to Earth. A planetary nebula is the glowing gas around a dying, Sun-like star. Credit: NASA, NOAO, ESA, the Hubble Helix Nebula Team, M. Meixner (STScI), and T.A. Rector (NRAO) (information obtained from NASA - National Aeronautics & Space Administration website).

Real or not, it makes one wonder and perhaps even hope for the possibility of it's existance, real or imagined. At a time and season when the world seems to be trying so hard to refuse, deny banish God from our society and everyday lives, it leaves me with a glimmer of hope that possibly suggests otherwise. The infinate possibilities of what surrounds us on this earth and beyond is truley amazing and beyond my imagination.........

Losing Self..............

2005-12-08T23:23:00.000-08:00

At what point in our lives do we start loosing' ourselves while trying to please others? Twenty years ago I could have told you exactly who I was going to be and how much time it would take me to get there. At what point do we 'let go' of the dreams we believed were inevitable to settle for something "less, far less?"

It isn't just about pleasing one person but rather several people. Our jobs, our partners, our children, our friends. What once seemed like a quite simple "connect the dots" kind of life has evolved into a puzzle yet to be found in a book, a paper, an occasional quiz.

Where did the clarity of my life go? When did I lose my '20/20' vision of what I wanted and what I would become? I find myself grasping at what is real and what is important. What will nourish my 'soul' and make my being come alive once again, in the belief of what can be, should be or could be?

I've often thought that my happiness was based on being with a person, quite often just one person. But through the years I think I have come to learn, we're all just 'grasping' for straws here. Perhaps we are all just so clueless. So many of my friends are so sure of themselves, they are confident, outgoing they excel in their work environment and shine in the e public eye. However when push comes to shove and they lay their heads on their pillows at night, they are just 'lost' souls. Searching, hoping for something more, something nourishing.

I've never been a salesman. I can't sell you a car, a house a yacht. I could however, sell you the belief in yourself, your potential, your 'destiny.' I'd like to believe I have a natural insight into ones heart. I have lived my life with the belief that I "know" my own destiny, in my heart of hearts, my soul of souls. I "know" who I should be with, who I should spend my golden years with. But what happens if "they" don't? What happens if "they" can't believe in themselves, the same way I can? Oh shit, even worse, what happens if "their" destiny really doesn't include me? Does that make my convictions any less real? If I don't achieve my goal due to their inability to believe in what I do, does that mean I "fail"?

Perhaps, I should have focused more on not "who" would be by my side on this journey called life, but rather, how could "I" achieve contentment on my own. It's a lonely thought, but then again, perhaps not..........

Perhaps, I've been confused all along. Perhaps the people I once believed would be there, changed their game plan. Perhaps they can't even find the pieces themselves....

Perhaps, they are as lost as I am...................

2005-11-21T01:12:00.000-08:00

Eyes of Blue......

Child of MIne...........

2005-11-20T12:05:00.000-08:00

'They' said, that at six weeks of age they thought maybe he bumped his head on a door knob. 'They' said, maybe they put him in the baby's seat too hard. 'They' said, they pinched his cheeks too hard sometimes too...........

But the 'Doctors' said, "In order to fracture a six week old baby's skull on a door knob you would have to grab the baby by his ankles and spin around as fast as you could, allowing him to hit his head with as much force as possible on the metal knob.

The 'Neurologist' said, "It will be years before we know the damage." The 'Physical Therapist' said, "He will be delayed in many area's of his life for a very long time." The 'Speech Therapist' said, "He will probably be special needs throughout all or most of his school years.

The 'Judge' said, "It was one of the worst cases of child abuse" he had ever seen. The blood vessels in his eyes had burst, and you could no longer see the whites in his eyes."

The 'State Welfare Department' said, "There will be no reunification, due to severe child abuse."

The 'New Judge' said, "Will you promise to make him your own, to care for him and all the needs he may have?" I nodded and smiled.

That was four years ago. My promise today is the same as it was then. "I will love him with all that I am, with all that I will be." I will protect him, nurture him and show him just what love truly is. He has taught me patience and courage and more then anyone else in my life he has shown me what unconditional love is.

Not flesh of my flesh, not bone of my bone, but still miraculously my own. Never forget for a single minute, you didn't grow under my heart but in it................

'Mommy' says............ "I love you," Boo Boo Eyes of Blue..........

The Ballad of Reading Gaol.......

2005-11-06T02:14:00.000-08:00

After graduation, in the summer of 1983 I set off to search for things I had yet to see. I was so passionate about learning, or more importantly, experiencing new things. In my lust for life, I became enthralled with poetry, albeit somewhat morbid poetry.

While staying with my sister, my brother-in-law introduced me to Oscar Wilde. I had flirted with reading him in high school but my attention span seemed to be more limited. Not because the school I attended lacked in it's education, but rather because my mind chose to dwell on things so much grander then the grey walls that surrounded me.

Recently while having a glass of wine with an old friend from school and being told for the hundredth time about the inadequacies of our education during or formulative years, I remembered an old poem I used to spend hours trying to memorize in my latter teens. This is quite a lengthy poem and I was only able to memorize the first nine paragraphs. To this day, I cannot forget the words they are forever engraved in my memory. In my younger years I dont believe I could truly appreciate the true meaning behind this poem, but 20+ years later, it's words are bittersweet.

The Ballad of Reading Gaol

Excerpt - Oscar Wilde 1898

Yet each man kills the thing he loves,

By each let this be heard,

Some do it with a bitter look,

Some with a flattering word,

The coward does it with a kiss,

The brave man with a sword!

Some kill their love when they are young,

And some when they are old;

Some strangle with the hands of Lust,

Some with the hands of Gold:

The kindest use a knife, because

The dead so soon grow cold.

Some love too little, some too long,

Some sell, and others buy;

Some do the deed with many tears,

And some without a sigh:

For each man kills the thing he loves,

Yet each man does not die.

Small Town Dreams.......

2005-11-03T17:25:00.000-08:00

In the summer of 1983, right after my 18th birthday I took flight and left the state I had lived in all my life. I'm not too sure if I was running to anything anymore then running away from something. Like so many kids my age we were seeking out where our niche in the world would be and what we would become. We refused to believe that this small town we were born in could possibly hold all of our dreams and ambitions.

At 18, I felt as if I had a million possibilities of what I would one day become. The world lay ahead of me and I truly believed I was invincible. I could go anywhere, do anything, become anything I wanted.

Years later, I would in fact return to that same small town and live in the same house I grew up in as a child. By the age of 40 I had lost both my mom and dad. Somehow, I no longer felt invincible and have come to the conclusion that life is quite often much shorter then we think.

We spend days, weeks, years waiting for our lives to become all we expected it to be. Time passes and those old memories of what we believed we could become soon begins to fade.

So here I sit, decades later contemplating the first 41 years that passed me by with nothing more then a handful of memories and boxes of pictures that represent the time that has slipped so quickly by. My greatest accomplishment to date would be my two incredible children. I now know that I had to come back to this town to have them be a part of my life, the best part.

I would like to think the first 40 years was just practice for what is to come. That I needed that time to get my shit together so I could become that person I always believed I would be.

So here's to the next 40+ years. Where I hope to become a better mother, a stronger person, and able to achieve those things I've always known I could..................

It's All Perspective.............

2005-10-09T22:18:00.000-07:00

In the aftermath of Katrina as we continue receiving the sobering facts of the death toll, I'm in awe. This catastrophe has affected our nation, our government, our politics, and has ignited debates and arguments among even the of closest friends.

But before we cast our second round of stones and everyone takes aim at who's to blame, perhaps we should review some sobering facts. Yes, even one lost life is too many, if it's preventable. But in turn, maybe we should say a prayer, whisper a thank you, breath a heavy sigh of relief, and acknowledge how truly lucky we've been. Considering the statistics, we were fortunate.

DEATHS BY HURRICANE KATRINA

(as of October 8, 2005)

1003 ......................... Louisiana

221.......................... Mississippi

14...........................Florida

2...........................Georgia

1242.................Total

DEATHS BY EARTHQUAKE IN SOUTH ASIA

(as of October 9, 2005)

20,000 + ......................Pakistan

DEATHS BY TSUNAMI

(as of January 19, 2005)

212,611............ Indonesia Regional Death Toll

Perhaps as Americans, we have led a very sheltered life, when it comes to experiencing natural disasters (of a large magnitude). Add to that, the terrorist attack of 911. Perhaps it is time we take a deep breath and look at the world around us with a bit more perspective...................

2005-10-06T01:15:00.000-07:00

Meet Me Half Way

Music by Giorgio Moroder, Lyrics by Tom Whitlock, Sung by: Kenny Loggins

In a lifetime

Made of memories

I believe

In destiny

Every Moment

Returns again in time

When I've got the future on my mind

Know that you'll be the only one

Meet Me Half Way

Across the sky

Out where the world belongs

To only you and I

Meet me Half Way

Across the sky

Make this a new beginning

Of another life

In a lifetime

There is only love

Reaching for

The lonely one

We are stronger

When we are giving love

When we put emotions on the line

Know that we are the timeless ones......

No Shades of Gray.......

2005-10-02T22:57:00.000-07:00

I am addicted............. Plain and simple. I cannot tell a lie. Very few shows on T.V. touch me, move me in a way I care to comment on. I have however found one that does, "Gray's Anatomy".

Tonight this show made me think in a way that most made for t.v. series never do. In it's final moments of the episode the following words were spoken.... Words I wont soon forget........

"There is something to say about a glass half full. It's entirely up to the individual, and it depends on what is being poured! Sometimes all we want is a taste. Other times, there is no such thing..... and nothing is enough, and all we want, is more...."

How true is that? If we were ever to acknowledge anything it would be, "We deserve more."

My wish for us is that we never forget that we do in fact deserve is MORE..... And if you people out there can not ackn0wledge that, "Can I have your leftovers?" Because if any of you have any doubt, "I DO NOT!!"

She's Home............

2005-09-08T12:40:00.000-07:00

At last! My friend returned home Monday after vacationing in New Orleans and being caught in Hurricane Katrina. The pain in my heart has eased, but not yet gone. While she has returned home safe, I still believe there is a long road ahead for her.

I can hear the sadness in her voice. She is quite and withdrawn. She has changed. How could she not? I know, odds are, I will be told 100+ times that I can't possibly understand just what she and her husband have gone through and how it has forever changed their lives. I know she is right, and no matter how hard I try it may just never be enough. But I believe with all that I am, that sometimes we go through things to learn a life lesson. Who knows what the lesson is? Perhaps it's to have a little more faith, or maybe a little more patience, perhaps to draw the two of them closer together. And sometimes, I believe we are placed somewhere at a certain point and time to benefit others as well. I believe this was a large part why she was there at that time.

I hope as time goes by, her memories of Katrina wont be just about all the pain and sadness but also about about what she has gained and learned. I hope the people that surrounded her and gave her courage will be there in 5, 10 and 20 years down the road as true friends. I hope that they will not disapoint her and what she believes their connection is. I hope in a month, or a year or five years, when everyone else in the world has moved onto whatever may be the latest breaking news, I hope she will have a peace within her and know within her heart, that she is a survivor, a giver. And that at a time when her life ceased to be as she knew it, she came through with flying colors. I also hope she knows that while I may not have been there with her, my heart was........ I hope she knows that no matter what, "I" will be there in 5, 10 and 20 years.

Enough of this Bullshit!..........

2005-09-01T23:31:00.000-07:00

It's fast approaching midnight on Thursday night. I'm tired and exhausted. I've been watching Katrina news on t.v. all day. I have been searching for my best friends face on the screen, and nothing. I've visited dozens of websites typing her name in every 'Search' box I can find, and nothing. I haven't heard from her since Sunday. She had just arrived at the Superdome when she had called. I can't fall asleep, I can't get the images out of my head. I feel like puking . I feel like part of me is missing, my heart hurts...........

If I read one more friggin' blog bitching about our President and our country and how all of this could have been prevented, how much better another party could have dealt with it, I really am going to puke! It is people like you that destroy the very core of what we as Americans should stand for, unity in the face of crises; regardless of the friggin little box you checked at the DMV or on your voters registration card! Now is not the time to climb your pitiful political platforms casting stones. You want things to be different? Then do something other then your spewing your armchair politics! Get off your ass and do something positive. Build up our country rather then tear it down. And for God's sake just once take a deep breath and think before you speak. What will make this country stronger rather then divide it during this awful catasrophe, before you spout your dissatisfaction of this country I love and I call home! PLEASE!!!

Be Kind Katrina, Be Kind........

2005-08-28T19:02:00.000-07:00

It's 7:00 pm my time and here I sit thinking/praying for my best friend/business partner who is now sitting in the Superdome in New Orleans waiting for Hurricane Katrina to strike and to do it's damage. She has called me a few times in the last couple of days, always when I'm at work and has spoken to my husband both times. Like a lot of men, his interests/concerns are usually about himself and what is happening in his own little world as he see's it. All of which have have absolutely nothing to do about her or this storm. Thus, increasing my anxiety and leaving all my questions unanswered!

My heart aches..... I have but a handful of people I hold close to my heart (I mentioned her in my previous funeral post). She is one of them and she nears the very top of my list. She is the Godmother of both of my children and though we are very different we compliment each other. I'm scared. I'm scared for her and her husband who have been vacationing there since Friday and I'm scared at the thought of not having her by my side next week.

I am quite sure I will not sleep tonight and I will have Fox News on all night. They continue to show thousands of people entering the Superdome. I search the screen for her face all to no avail. I know she is there. She arrived early around 11:00 am East Coast time and from what I could gather she was in good spirits. However, on the West Coast the news is not good. Katrina has been rated a Category 5, the highest there is, with 175 mile wind warnings.

Damn! I need a drink!! Be kind Katrina, be kind......................

On Life & Death...........

2005-08-21T00:40:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I attended a funeral in California with a friend. I am not fond of funerals, (I know, who is?) Unless it is someone within my close circle of friends/family, I avoid them. I've never made a practice of attending funerals. Up until this one, I could count the number I've been to on one hand, all relatives, three of which were my parents. I attended this one because my friend needed a friend by her side (and to be honest she caught me off guard and I couldn't come up with an excuse fast enough to say no!)

I suppose as far as funerals go, this one wasn't bad. In fact, it made me think a little more deeply about life and death and those we leave behind. This particular funeral was graveside. The body had been cremated and separated into six containers. This was done because his children were disputing just where the remains should be laid. Four of the six containers were being placed into a family plot that represented three generations of those that had had departed before him, those he have loved. The remaining two were going somewhere yet to be determined.

Funerals exhaust me, especially those of the elderly, and the stories that made up their lives. Since I was not a family member, I hung out in the back watching, and wondering what all these people were thinking. My friends uncle was being buried in the small farming community he grew up in. There were no flowing black dresses or midnight black suits. His family and friends were dressed in their best informal attire, and crisp cream colored cowboys hats were sprinkled amongst the small crowd.

Perhaps it was the 100 degree weather or the down to earth sensible community that promted a speedy service. The speaker summed up this man's life in under 15 minutes. He was a son, a brother, a veteran, a father, an uncle, a friend. You could see proud old men with their hands in their pockets looking down at the ground, hanging tough as their wives sniffled in their seats. They listened intently to the speaker, recalling the stories told and the role they played in those stories. Pictures of his youth and in his military uniform were displayed proudly beside a flag and small toy trains he collected. Nic nacs of his past, memories of his existence.

I went away from this funeral and spent a good part of the five hour drive home thinking about the lives we live and those we encounter along the way. I would like to think that the legacy we leave behind lasts longer then the 15 minutes of our eulogy. Surely, our existence on this earth of 60, 70, 80+ years will leave lasting imprints on someone's soul/heart enough for our memory to linger a little longer.

And in turn, I hope we leave no unfinished business behind. No "I love you's," not said, No "I'm sorry's" unspoken. And perhaps most importantly, I'd like to think we lived the best life we could, a life that left no room for doubt or regrets..........

Another Year Older But Another Year Wiser? Hmm, What Was The Question Again???...

2005-07-11T19:42:00.000-07:00

Alas, a not so landmark year came and went today, rather uneventfully of course. Thank goodness "some" of my closest friends remembered my birthday today otherwise it would have totally been the shits!

Aging has never bothered me as far as the numbers racking up. My problems with birthdays always comes around to, "What have I accomplished this past year, am I any closer to my goals, dreams, etc, etc, etc? Or did I merely stand like a stump for an entire year and watch 365 days pass me by without any new achievements or memorable occurrences?" This past year has been a toss up. Yep, I'm still kicking, and my children have survived my parenting skills for yet another year, which in itself should be momentous! But as for me? Well this year I think I'm a little more wearier for the wear.

I'm still wondering what I'm going to be when I grow up (yeah, I know, you would think at 41 I would have figured it out by now!). I still keep looking towards tomorrow wondering what it will bring and I tend to dwell on yesterday a little too much. So for my next 365 days I suppose I will concentrate a little more fully on "today, the here and now," the "what is" rather then the "what was" or "what could be." Because maybe, just maybe, when all is said and done, that's all that really matters..........

Memories In the Making.........

2005-06-30T20:14:00.000-07:00

I recently returned from a weeks vacation in beautiful Cancun, Mexico. As anyone with children knows vacations away from home can be exciting, amazing, stressful and exhausting! Our first five days were spent with major rain storms off and on throughout the day and night.

Family vacations were always the most vivid memories of my childhood. As a young child I can recall my parents dragging my brother and I across the country to visit relatives that lived on the east coast (Maryland, West Virginia). Every trip was packed with sites along the way. Educational trips to Washington DC seeing monuments and being taught History 101, watching American Civil War enactments in Gettysburg, PA, seeing the Liberty Bell in Pennsylvania, and standing in front of the eternal flame in the middle of July in 100 + temperatures. Despite what memories we took away with us they were in fact memories.

My children are 5 & 6. They have been to South Carolina. Utah, California, Oregon, Hawaii and now Mexico. I'm quite sure there are many things they may never remember but I also know there are things that they will, things I never imagined they would. Watching Captain Cook's Pirate ships sail by in the darkness of the night, with their sails strung with lights and the roar of their cannon's as they battled each other (tourist dinner cruise) amazed my two boys five of the seven nights we were there. But sitting with them on the beach and watching the sunset and the sky turn a dozen shades of crimson and trying to explain that the sky was in fact not really on fire it just looked that way, will always be one of my favorite memories. Walking barefoot on the beach after five days of solid rain and looking up to see the beauty of a rainbow.

As I look at these pictures I will forever recall the squeal of delight as they experienced these sights for the very first time. Perhaps the memories I try to create for my children aren't just for them, maybe as I age and my memory begins to fade they will be my stepping stones to reality. A reality I could never imagine living without, even with a little rain..........

2005-06-26T19:31:00.000-07:00

A little bit of paradise in the evening...

2005-06-26T19:13:00.000-07:00

After five days of rain a little hope in sight....

Me, Defined..................

2005-05-29T23:55:00.000-07:00

Not so long ago I was spending some time with an old friend. I'm not too sure how the topic came up but she spoke about her husband. She said, "He's the smartest man I know." My first response was, "Oh my God, how does anyone fill those shoes? But I said nothing I just listened to her words and logged them mentally in the back of my mind.

Days later I recalled the conversation and I wondered, "What am I?" What words would people use to define me? Certainty I am not so naive to imagine myself a being of intellectual superiority. I don't suppose that's ever been an ambition of mine. Intellectual dominance has never ranked high on my priority list. Don't get me wrong, stupid people annoy me. But then again stupid can be defined in a number of ways, perhaps even the smartest people can be stupid. It's all subjective I suppose. I kind of consider myself middle of the road intellectually. I don't sit around the kitchen table with my friends and contemplate the speed the earth rotates on it's axis or ponder quantum physics. The importance of any of this does not weigh heavily at night when I lay my head on my pillow!

So what does define me? In the rolodex of life what category would I be filed under?

I am a mother, a wife, a nurturer. I aspire to accomplish great things but I imagine my greatest aspiration is to raise my two boys to be caring, compassionate, passionate, inquisitive, happy young men.

I'm pathetic at joke telling but I can make a person laugh when they are feeling at their lowest. As a rule I'm fun loving, easy going and I love to be spontaneous. I love to trying new things, go new places and might have just enough stupidity in me to have a 'no-fear' attitude when experiencing new thrills.

I am competitive, determined and when playing games, not a very good loser! I will not quit and am easily annoyed with people who have a habit of not following through with things. Whatever I do, I try to do the best I possibly can. I tend to be a perfectionist with things that fill me with passion and I take pride in my work.

I can nurture your soul and elevate your spirit. I'm a loyal supporter and I have the ability to help people see light at the end of their darkest tunnel. I believe in the impossible and the unseen. I see potential in the smallest things. I prefer not to surround myself with pessimists, naysayers and people who give off negative energy.

I'm a spiritual soul though religion doesn't play a heavy role in this spirituality. I believe in God, Kharma, fate and destiny. The very things 'smart' people love to dissect and attempt to disprove and mock. There are things I know with every ounce of my being that I can't explain, an inner sense if you will. If I betray or fail to act on this sense, I always end up on the wrong side of right.

O.K. with that said, "What category do I fall into in the rolodex of life?"

Life Revisited.........

2005-05-22T18:15:00.000-07:00

My "Ah-Ha" Moments...........

Oprah often has a section in her magazine titled my "Ah-Ha" Moments or "What I Know For Sure". While it's taken me quite some time to recognize these moments that define the things that truly matter in my life, I believe I finally have. As I approach my 41'st year (hey, I never said I was a quick learner!) life is becoming a bit clearer. While I'm having one of those enlightened moments of clarity I guess I should recognize a few of those "Ah-Ha Moments" so when life gets a little hazy again I can look back and remember just what they were, in no particular order...........

Life is too short to live for what was, what could have been, what should have been. Life is for living the reality that is. If we don't like our reality then we must change it or learn to accept and thrive within it.

I've truly loved very few people in my life, not all of them loved me to the same degree as I did them. Love isn't about changing people to fit our needs, we can't 'make' people love us or desire us to the same degree we do them. Not everyone we meet in this life has the ability to meet all our needs and maybe just maybe that's enough.

People change for the good and the bad, perhaps that's the circle of life. If we do not change we do not grow. But when we do grow, we don't always grow in the same direction, at the same pace. Without growth we wither and die losing the spirit that makes us thrive.

Happiness and contentment cannot be found in another person, another environment, another circumstance. True happiness can only be found from within. If we are not content in our own being we cannot possibly expect to find it elsewhere.

People who have never had children can never possibly understand the impact they have on your life! (yeah, I know all you mommy blog hater's are rolling your eyes!) For all my life I've wanted children. I've always known they would play an important role in my life. Children are the essence of life. Through the eyes of a child you can imagine anything, believe anything, dream anything and have they have the faith of a 90 year old monk! My children have taught me that despite what goes on in my world, all of it seems miniscule when it comes to their world. At the end of a long exhausting day nothing can pick you up more then a hug from your child or hearing the words "I love you Mommy".

Inner peace keeps you alive. We all make choices daily that we must live with. While we may make the same choices we deal with them differently. We all have a different center of peace. We can all justify our choices on an individual basis and we may quite often disagree. Inner peace isn't up for debate, it isn't a thing that needs to be agreed upon. It's merely something that puts your soul at ease as you lay you head on your pillow each night. As we grow we learn what makes our souls thrive and what harms it. It's up to us as individuals to keep the essence of our being alive.

Life is full of moment's that bring clarity to each of us. We all have our "Ah-Ha" Moments or things we "know" for sure. What are yours?

Haloscan..........

2005-05-22T16:30:00.000-07:00

I just added Haloscan to my blog to help with posting comments. While in the future this may be a positive thing it appears I have lost all my previous comments (damn!). Hopefully this will be the only negative of the whole process!

A Little Good News......

2005-03-26T23:25:00.000-08:00

O.K........ I am going to date myself here. For the last week this song has been popping in my head non-stop. Yeah, yeah, maybe, I wasn't the hippest kid on the block. I've always been a sucker for "words" that touch my "heart" and speak to my "soul", words that have meaning to me. Perhaps if I put the words on paper I will finally be able to get them out of my head and stop singing/thinking about them in the car, at the store, at work, at home. Maybe, my kids will stop staring at me and asking what I'm singing and what it means? Maybe, just maybe....... This world won't seem so screwed up!

A Little Good News.......

I rolled out this morning...kids had the morning news show on
Bryant Gumbel was talking about the fighting in Lebanon
Some senator was squawking about the bad economy
It's gonna get worse you see we need a change in policy

There's a local paper rolled up in a rubber band
One more sad story's one more than I can stand
Just once, how I'd like to see the headline say
Not much to print today can't find nothing bad to say

Because...

Nobody robbed a liquor store on the lower part of town
Nobody OD'd, nobody burned a single building down
Nobody fired a shot in anger...nobody had to die in vain
We sure could use a little good news today

I'll come home this evening...I'll bet that the news will be the same
Somebody takes a hostage...somebody steals a plane
How I wanna hear the anchor man talk about a county fair
And how we cleaned up the air...how everybody learned to care

Whoa, tell me...

Nobody was assassinated in the whole Third World today
And in the streets of Ireland all the children had to do was play
And everybody loves everybody in the good old USA
We sure could use a little good news today

Nobody robbed a liquor store on the lower part of town
Nobody OD'd, nobody burned a single building down
Nobody fired a shot in anger...nobody had to die in vain
We sure could use a little good news today

By: Anne Murray
Album: Best...So Far (1994), Little Good News (1983), Country Hits (1990), Now and Forever Disk 3 (1994)

One Last Time.......

2005-03-20T21:30:00.000-08:00

O.K. I have skirted around this topic on more then one occasion! I can't believe I'm even going to go here! I've read dozens of blogs and responses on this topic and I'm about to give my own two cents now. I know the Blog Gods will tell me this is truly Blog Suicide, but I've had it up to here with all of the Terry Schiavo controversy! Once again as usual when it comes to an important life and death decision everything has turned political!!! Why does it always have to come down to this??

At work this morning I sat watching the Demo's blame the Repub's about the political atrocities of congress's fight against the removal of Terry Schiavo's feeding tube. I sat and watched the accusations fly back and forth about who is right and who is wrong. One man, Terry's husband Michael, says she never wanted to live like this, and one non elected Florida judge, Judge Greer agrees with him and decides she must die, because, well you see, the two of them agree.

If this case ever made me sure of one thing in my life it would be the importance of establishing an 'advanced medical directive' (living will) as early in your life that you are able to understand the importance of what quality of life you desire.

What we are relying on right now, when it comes to the life of Terry Schiavo is hearsay. Her husband says one thing, her parents and siblings say another. How do we decide who really knows the truth? Yeah, yeah, her legal guardian is her husband. Michael Schiavo has been able to move on with his life, he's found a new mate and has children by her. He has all the things his wife will never have, and yet that is still not enough. Her parents on the otherhand, refuse to give up hope and don't want to let her go. They believe she is still there fighting to go on. Yeah, I know, unless you travel either of those roads it's hard to know what each of us would do in this situation (yes, I've gone through this with a parent who was 81, but not a child). Perhaps neither party can see clearly, maybe they are both struggling with thier own definition of life or death, perhaps they are all 'clueless.'

Facts are, there is doubt on both sides about just what the right thing to do is. Life or death? I'm sorry, I'm having a tough time buying it. If Terry was in fact so adamant about her desire to live a life without assistance from feeding tubes or any other aide for that matter, then proper legal measures should have been taken to ensure any of this from happening. Did this indepth life and death conversation come up one night with her husband and friends over a round of drinks? At a party? When? Sure we've all been there, we've all contemplated this, discussed it in casual conversations, just as we are right now. But in our truest of convictions just how many of you under the age of 30 (which Terry was when this conversation took place) have taken the appropriate measures to ensure your wishes are carried out and your desire for a defined quality of life is expressed legally? Did you do it last year? Last month? Last week? Will it happen on the day Terry dies after her body shuts down from malnutrition and dehydration?

While we are all screaming about the lack of quality of life she must have being forced to live in a vegetative state or by being forced to die by starvation over the next 7 to 14 days, have you taken the appropriate actions to keep this from happening to you? Have you put your ducks in a row and come to terms with your own desire to maintain your own quality it all, pro or con? And if you didn't, are you secure in your knowledge that those who are closest to you will know what you want, life or death? And if they disagree...... Who are you hoping wins? Your husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, brother, sister, parents, the state, the Democrats, the Republicans, the Federal Government? Who should choose how you live and die if you don't?

You know, I don't have an answer for the Terry Schiavo case, but I do know this........ What if we're wrong? Which is worse? Do we continue to let Terry live in a vegetative state where she is loved but has no awareness or quality of life she once had? Or do we terminate her life and put her out of her unaware misery? All I know for sure is, once dead, there's no going back. For me, one of those definitely carries a lighter burden on my conscious then the other.

Ideally, I do not want my government to question my decisions when it comes to the quality of life I wish to live. However, if I am not responsible or prepared to legally make that decision on my own, I do not want my outcome to be decided by a flip of a coin, a strangers personnal beliefs, my families conflicting opinions. I want to know that there are a group of people out there who are willing to look at my case individually and see beneath the coma, the empty eyes, the drifting facial expressions that I am/was a loving and hopefull human being with a soul that thrives to be recognized as such, not a vegetable, not a incoherant being, not an empty body without the need of compassion.

At this time the only thing I can see in preventing this would be the passing of the 'Incapcitated Persons Legal Protection Act' "This measure would allow federal review of cases in which there is no advanced medical directive and irregularities in state court proceedings. This act would not enroach on the privacy protections Americans now enjoy with regards to their medical treatment decisions. It only ensures that the individual's federal due process rights have been observed and protected by the state courts."

For more information on the 'Incapaciated Persons Legal Protection Act' check out: http://www.nrlc.org/euthanasia/Terri/FedLaw.html

P.S. Bloggers........... Rest easy tonight! Should I be where Terry is tomorrow, the choice belongs to none of you....... I made it myself, legally with clear and thoughtfull deliberation. There will be no doubt, no question. My destiny will not be determined by any individual on this earth other then myself or God.

A Life Worth Living.....................

2005-02-20T23:23:00.000-08:00

Earlier today I spent some time talking with an old friend about life, marriage, religion, politics, growing older, dying, the whole damn schpill! Topics that only drunk people in bars dare dwell on (or dear friends.) You know those topics, the taboo ones.... The ones so powerful, they trigger emotional responses and ignite a power of conviction and the belief in what makes you who you are. The ones that show or teach you just what a person is truly made of. But sometimes, just sometimes, its those conversations that make you ponder your own life and remind you what makes you thrive within your very being.

During that conversation the topic of Terry Schiavo came up along with the whole life/death quality of life thing. I'm not even going to go dip into the whole religious, moral, personnel thing of it all. This post isn't about right or wrong or the legality of it all, but rather, "life is short". Whether we live to be 40, 50, or 100. There are always things we wish we'd done, when looking back at our lives. We have no control over many of the events, circumstances and sometimes the outcome of the life we've lived. In the end, so much of it isn't really in our control, whether it be God, disease, acts of random violence, the government or the decision of others. Our life can be over in a moment and with it, our opportunity to live it fully.

So with that in thought and after consuming a few glasses of wine I've come to the conclusion that while I may not have total control of my life nor its length. I do however have control over it's quality, content and the memories I create; the opportunities I seize, as well as those that I don't. So here I go making yet another one of those endless blog lists!
"Things I want to do before I no longer have the choice or die....."

1. I want to grow old enough to see my children become responsible, productive adults with children of their own.

2. Travel to at least 10 other countries other then my own.

3. Write and publish a best selling novel/book (more books, more countries, funny how that works!)

4. Spend a summer/year in another country doing charitable/aide work and write/photograph about it.

5. Climb a mountain, swim a sea, cross the desert and feel the ocean breeze

6. Have the courage to take the steps, seize the moment and believe in my destiny.

7. Be a stronger, more physically fit person able to live long enough to do it all.....

8. Live to be a healthy 80+ with my soul mate by my side watching every sunset as if it were our first.

9. To grow old with good friends and the people I love by my side, laughing & living.

10. Have lived a life worth living, without any coulda', woulda', shoulda's......

What, just 10 things? Hell no! But hey, it's a start!!!

Blog Suicide.............

2005-01-29T19:57:00.000-08:00

Blog Suicide....... Can their be such a thing? How many times have you sat down at the computer making an entry to your blog about something you are passionate about, your thoughts are flying, you're reaching down deep, laying it on the line, just as you feel it. And then bam! You stop suddenly in your tracks and you ask yourself, "Is this politically correct? Am I going to get a bad rating for this? Am I committing Blog Suicide here?

"Oh my God!" The thought of it all sends you clicking away at your backspace button or rapidly hitting the delete button. You lean back, think for a moment, then resume your entry, trying to sugar coat your thoughts in order to create a post that gets your feelings/point across but stops short of an untimely death. How sad is that? This rating thing is a double edged sword! No high so high, no low so low!! The thrill you get when you see someone gave you a 7 or an 8 or God forbid something higher! It almost feels like you're back in grade school trying to impress your teacher or your parents, patting you on the head and telling you good job! And then there's that blogger or two or three that slams you! Gives you a damn 1 or 2? Hell, that's almost not even showing up for class! How on earth can you get a rating like that other than spew hatred a vile thoughts? If I don't like a blog I just keep on surfing. We all have varying opinions. We are individuals, that's what makes surfing so much fun. Seeing different points of views other than my own, like them or not.

There are always places and times when certain topics are taboo. You know those topics, politics, religion, sex. The topics that consume us on a daily basis through media, at work at play, in our face all the time. So why not talk about them in our blogs without fear of blog suicide? If there was ever a time when our country was more divided by party lines, pro /anti war, morality issues, it's now. So I ask this, before you slam me or my fellow bloggers with a 1 or a 2 ask yourself this, "Did what they say inspire me? Involk thoughts of my own? Make me feel passionate about my own beliefs?" If you can answer "yes" to any of those than maybe just maybe the post served it's purpose and ignited new passions of your own.

Cooking 101 - Kindergarten Style..

2005-01-21T20:50:00.000-08:00

Alas, I have failed as a mother, as a parent, as the next graduate of whatever is latest culinary school of the moment!!! My six-year-old son told me this evening he wanted a flour tortilla with cheese for dinner because that's what they made in Kindergarten today. Friday is fun day so we experiment with casual dinning (sure, go ahead call it eating crap day!) So I say, "hey, no problem, cheese quesadilla! Piece of cake!" I pull out the shredded cheese, flour tortillas and frying pan. At that very moment he's shrieking, "You’re doing it wrong!! Seriously, Cheese Quesadilla's isn't exactly Emril or Julia Child material. I've done this dozens of times, no problem. So, I talked him through it, helping him flip it in the pan, swirl it around and eventually slice it with the pizza slicer, the thrill of it all lasted approximately 1 1/2 minutes. Once completed and his first bite taken, the shriek retuned and once again I was reminded, "That's not how your suppossed to make it!" I messed up big time.

I was then instructed how to properly make a cheese quesadilla. Please note the following recipe for future references:

1 - Flour Tortilla
1 - Slice of American Cheese (do not confuse this with real shredded cheese, big mistake!)
1 - Paper towel
1 - Hot Iron

Remove plastic from slice of imposter cheese, lay on tortilla and fold in half. Place paper towel on top and place hot iron on top to heat and melt. Do not allow burning smell to fill room!

Alas, the stove, microwave, grill, whatever heating device you currently use is not longer in style. Who knew?

2005-01-21T20:41:00.000-08:00

Cooking 101 - Kindergarten Style.....

A Quirky Quiz, That Knows My Soul????

2005-01-09T17:30:00.000-08:00

You Are a Visionary Soul

You are a curious person, always in a state of awareness.
Connected to all things spiritual, you are very connect to your soul.
You are wise and bright: able to reason and be reasonable.
Occasionally, you get quite depressed and have dark feelings.

You have great vision and can be very insightful.
In fact, you are often profound in a way that surprises yourself.
Visionary souls like you can be the best type of friend.
You are intuitive, understanding, sympathetic, and a good healer.

Souls you are most compatible with: Old Soul and Peacemaker Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Our Own Little "White Heaven"

2005-01-07T15:25:00.000-08:00

The local weather men have been warning us all week of the next big snowstorm to come, and it has!! We've gotten four inches over the last several hours with no signs of slowing down!! It is absolutely gorgeous!! I live in the desert state of Nevada. Our state flower is the Sagebrush (yes, I know, a semi ugly bush!) In the summer we are on water restrictions and are only allowed to water twice a week. All of that seems so distant with this wonderful, beautiful blanket of snow. I can't help it, I love it!! My children love it! Who can resist the magic of snow and all that it brings!!! O.K. maybe I've been lulled by the mesmerizing never ending falling of flakes. Come Sunday when this is supposed to let up I might have a different take on all of this, but for today I'm snuggled up in the house with the kids and we have a cupboard full of soup and hot chocolate!! What more can I ask for??

2005-01-07T15:15:00.000-08:00

Benjamin having a blast in todays snowstorm!!

2005-01-07T15:14:00.000-08:00

My snow angel................

Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow...........

2005-01-01T18:40:00.000-08:00

Yesterday we had a huge snow fall, the largest since 1990! At this time I have 18" in my yard!! We are expected to get hit again late tonight or early tomorrow morning. This is only Saturday and we've already been told that we are having our first "No School - Snow Day" on Monday!! My kids are excited to have their Christmas break extended another day. I'm gratefull that I have four wheel drive but not so gratefull that people still drive like idiots on the icy roads!! But I'm able to overlook it all for its beauty.......................

2005-01-01T18:38:00.000-08:00

A view from my porch. How beautiful!!

2005-01-01T18:32:00.000-08:00

A view from my porch!!

My Christmas Wish............

2004-12-24T20:18:00.000-08:00

O.K. I know it's Christmas Eve and here I sit surfing BE! How sad is that!! Actually maybe it's not that bad, facts are I'm stalling! I'm waiting for the kids to head to bed so Santa can make his way to our tree.

Actually for once I think I have it together this year and I think I'm ahead of the game! (ask me again at 1:00am in the morning and my answer may be different!) The toys are built and batteries installed. And tomorrow morning there will not be one damn twisty tie to take off yet another toy! You know those ones they tie onto each package to prevent theft? Thing is, they can't just put one twisty they have to put 20!!!

Today we visited Santa and took pictures, and made cookies for him this afternoon. We later spent a 1/2 an hour on our neighbors roof putting down alfalfa grass for the reindeer. Come morning there will be a couple of goat droppings added and by then we'll totally have our kids screwed up for life!! Ah, the joys of parenthood!

So with that said, I shall make my Christmas Wish for my kids.....

I hope they keep the true spirit/magic of Christmas alive in their minds, hearts and their lives.

I hope their friends, their school, their city, their state, their country do not take that spirit/belief and stomp the crap out of it!

I hope my children will continue to believe in God or something with a higher power; other than those in Washington D.C. or Hollywood! And I hope that whatever that power may be; creates, nourishes and encourages passion for life and embraces differences of all religions and cultures.

I hope they believe that sometimes what is "popular," is not always whats best for ourselves, or the lives of the people around us or far away.

I hope they nuture their individuality and their beliefs with more passion then they do trying to be "Politically Correct".

I hope they believe in the impossible, the unimaginable, the invisible and the unseen.....................

I wish you all a MERRY CHRISTMAS!! May you all believe in the magic and spirit of the season............

2004-12-24T16:27:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas!!! 2004

2004-12-12T18:45:00.000-08:00

This years Christmas card pic!!

33 Things About Me........

2004-12-11T23:26:00.000-08:00

O.k Maybe it should have been titled "100 Things About Me"! But maybe I copped out and quit 1/3 of the way through knowing full well that if I did type the whole thing it would replace at least my 5 last posts!!! O.K. Maybe those posts took a little longer than this post did to compose. Maybe I'm selfish..........

1 My name is Michelle
2 I was born and raised in Reno, Nevada, and I am not ashamed of it
3 My favorite numbers are 7 & 11, not to be confused with 7-11
4 However, I do buy my coffee at 7-11
5 At the moment my favorite is 'Pumkin Spice Latte'
6 Not to be confused with Pumkin Ale which I bought in the spirit of Fall, (uuck!)
7 I love to drink wine and love to go to local wine tasting!
8 I also love to drink beer (but never again Pumpkin Ale!)
9 My favorite book is "the five people you meet in heaven" by Mitch Albom
10 I believe in destiny, soul mates, heaven and God
11 My mom had dementia and the beginning stages of Alzheimers
12 She died in the home I live in
13 I was there, it broke my heart, I still cry
14 When she died she didn't know I was her daughter
15 She thought I was a caregiver
16 She called my children waifs
17 I miss my mom
18 I am 40 years old and both my parents are gone
19 It is indeed a reality check
20 Unless you have experienced it first hand you cannot relate....
21 My husband is 51 years old
22 We have a 4 1/2 year old and a 6 year old
23 He will be approximately 63/64 when they graduate from high school
24 I will be 52, I hope I won't be an "old" mom
25 We will have been married for 10 years in April
26 Life is short, my dreams are big
26 I hope I outlive my dreams
27 I hope I will achieve my dreams
28 I hope the people I love will not forget their dreams
29 I hope my children have dreams far greater than my own
30 I hope when they are 40 they are not still waiting for their dreams to come true
31 I hope my dreams come true before I grow "old"
32 Writing is my passion
33 I need to write more............

Intelligence, Or Lack There Of..............

2004-12-11T23:09:00.001-08:00

Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence

You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well.
An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly.
You are also good at remembering information and convicing someone of your point of view.
A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary.

You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator.

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

I found this quiz while surfing BE, made for a quick and easy post!

Please, Let the Little Voices In My Head Stop!

2004-11-28T21:12:00.000-08:00

My heart was racing; my palms were beginning to sweat. I had a nervous flutter in my stomach. Oh my God, I hope they are o.k. Seconds felt like minutes, minutes felt like hours, ticking away, ever so slowly. Standing outside the door I nervously paced, eventually coming to a standstill just a few feet from the entrance, I waited. The occasional passerby would stare at me, upon entering and exiting. I suppose at some point I should have felt like a perve but my attention was elsewhere.

Alas, another milestone in the life of my boys, albeit just a normal day at the movie theatre; their first trip into the “Men’s Restroom,” unattended. Somehow, between last week and this week they hit a milestone, and I was not a part of their decision making. No amount of convincing could get them to go into the woman’s restroom any longer.

O.K. so I know some of you are rolling your eyes and saying “Oh my God,” not another neurotic mother story! Had it been 20 years ago maybe this would not be such a big thing but in today’s society and all that it holds, letting a small child go into a public men’s restroom is a big deal, no let me rephrase that, it’s a huge deal!! O.K. so maybe this milestone is as big for me as it is for them, but non the less it was major!

O.K, lets forget all about any evil that may lurk there. I, their mother, know how their minds work. I'm always have problems getting them to stop playing in the sink, or with the soap dispenser or stopping them from seeing how much toilet paper they can get off the roll in one huge spin in the woman’s restroom. How in the hell am I going to supervise their inquisitive little minds in the men’s restroom? My youngest son whose almost 5, has delayed speech, how do I get him to understand not to pick up that damn deodorizer that they put in urinals? Can I trust his big brother who’s six to pass on this little bit of information or will it just fall to the wayside as yet another dare? I could go on and on with all the "what if's" and in all honestly I truly am not a neurotic mother. Until today, my mind was on overload.

But finally, the door opened and my youngest son emerged from the men’s restroom. My oldest right behind him yelled, “Mommy, Daniel didn’t wash his hands”, and they both promptly turned around and went back into the dark hole, squealing with excitment.

Please let the little voices in my head stop!! Please………

2004-11-27T15:24:00.000-08:00

I couldn't resist snapping a picture of my six year old, Benjamin showing off his missing tooth. Taken 30 seconds after removal!

Thanksgiving Day Thoughts...........

2004-11-25T01:00:00.000-08:00

They say Thanksgiving is a day to give thanks. And yes, it's true, it is the one day everyone acknowledges all the gifts they've been given and what they are grateful for, but for me, it seems so simplistic to even begin to touch on this subject. So to keep from boring all those I do not know and probably never will, I will condense my list of thankyou's to one topic, my children......

For as long as I can remember, (at least back to the age of 6) I have always wanted children. My dreams/hopes were always quite vivid, they may not have always included the man of my dreams or the father of my children but always the children I would one day have, all 6 of them! (O.K. reality eventually set in, the Brady Bunch scenario was not likely to happen!) I went through life waiting for my destiny and my children.

It took many years and many tears until I was given the gift of two incredible little boys, now ages 6 and 4 1/2. I cannot imagine my life without out them. Just as I dreamed of them then, I dream of them now.

So with that said, I will put into words what I thank God for, not just today, but everyday..........

I Am Thankfull For...........

Kisses that are blown in the dark and caught in the light.............

Saying, "I love you round' the world and back again" and hearing, "Oh yeah? Well I love you to the moon and back again" Continuing on and on, until we all run out of places to go and things to think of, but always ending with a kiss....................

When my children say say with enthusiasm, "yummy" and "thank mommy, I love you so much!" after I served Chef Boyardee canned ravioli's or macaroni and cheese!

Seeing my children running and yelling "mommy, mommy" when I pick them up from school each and every day without fail and with the pure joy only a child can express.

Going to bed each night and waking up each morning thinking first and foremost, of the two brightest stars that shine in my life.

O.K. so I could go on and on but I will end here and go and give my children one last goodnight kiss before I fade out. And once again I will will go to bed with a smile on my face and a lightness in my heart that only a child can bring............

Happy Thanksgiving!!

What Planet Are You From?

2004-11-16T10:30:00.000-08:00

You Are From the Moon

You can vibe with the steady rhythms of the Moon.
You're in touch with your emotions and intuition.
You possess a great, unmatched imagination - and an infinite memory.
Ultra-sensitive, you feel at home anywhere (or with anyone).
A total healer, you light the way in the dark for many.

What Planet Are You From?

They say men are from Mars and women are from Venus, but facts are you could be one click away from being from Uranus! (o.k. sorry about that one!) I found this quiz while browsing through dozens of blogs and it intrigued me, I couldn't resist!

My New Photo Blog.........

2004-11-13T21:58:00.000-08:00

I just created a new photo blog in the hopes of inspiring me to capture some unique images not to mention favorite pics of my kids. Please view them at: http://mitzumesphotoblog.blogspot.com

2004-11-01T15:50:00.000-08:00

My two monkeys Benjamin and Daniel hamming it up with their two monkeys!!

2004-11-01T15:47:00.000-08:00

And who said the toy was the best part of the meal??

2004-11-01T15:44:00.000-08:00

Benjamin the perfect McDonald's poster child!

2004-11-01T15:42:00.000-08:00

Practicing to be the next spokesman for Mickey D's!

2004-11-01T15:32:00.000-08:00

Yet another pathetic attempt for the perfect picture! To no avail!!

2004-11-01T15:24:00.000-08:00

I was not very successfull with the Halloween pictures this year. After a few two many pieces of candy Benjamin & Daniel wanted to look everywhere but at me!!

Reflections On The Past...........

2004-09-23T22:55:00.000-07:00

This will be a little blurb where I ramble aimlessly thinking non-stop, trying my best to put my thoughts into words. A reflection on life, such as it is………

Life has an odd way of changing mid-course in your life. At a moments notice you wake up one day and realize you are somewhere you never planned/expected/dreamed you would be. You’ve woken in a place you could never imagine in your best dreams or worst nightmares. You shut your eyes and try to rationalize just what your dreams were, and where they went, versus what your dreams are. Sometimes they can be so very far apart and yet so close, edging on the brink of reality.

I have often wondered what happens in each of our lives that we let go of the dream that was, to reach out to the dream more achievable, but accessible? Still satisfying, but not soul-nourishing. Did we give up? Stop believing in our abilities, our potential? Or did we grow tired of the search, the hunt the challenge and settle for the less stressful, less taxing more simple life? Still full of twists and turns, but always heading in a direction away from the self you thought you were, the self you always believed you could be.

Alas, ramblings on my mind………………..